Anger Management

I think I've already made it pretty known that I am a bit HORMONAL and that I have monthly nervous breakdowns that occur without too much control on THIS end. I like to believe that I'm going to AVOID it for the next month or somehow FEEL it coming on and STOP it... but I've yet to be successful for the last... OHHHH... FIVE years...

YESTERDAY was a doozy. SEE... I did feel the physical symptoms that I feel every month when the CRAZY is brewing all up inside my hormones. I woke up DEAD tired three days in a row... yesterday being ZOMBIE tired, but I had plans and had to keep them. I went and did my visiting teaching (HuRRAH- 100% on the LAST day of the MONTH even though one ended up just being a phone call instead of a visit...)and when I went home after 11a.m. I literally PEELED myself out of the van and BARELY crawled into the house with Brooklyn whining because she wanted me to carry her and I was NOT going to. I felt the ANXIETY I always feel when the CRAZY is bubbling about inside my head. I was overwhelmed by my "stressful" (stay at home mom with pretty much NO responsibilities) life. And my energy level was negative 1,092. I gave brooklyn spagetti o's right out of the can and turned on pbs and went to my bed. Brooklyn played very nicely with her toys and would come and climb in the bed with me every fifteen minutes or so and say, "Brooklyn es tired, too." and lay with me and give me kisses. She NEVER went to sleep, though. I didn't really get to sleep either because I had to keep an ear out for any crashing noises.

My mom called to see if she could get Brooklyn and I gladly sent her away to play with my mom so I could just GET through the inevitable. I was feeling proud of myself for keeping my cool (since that is the MAIN problem I have on PSCHO day... I'm like a snap-dragon being held on a leash made of rope. I tug at it until it SNAPS). With Brooklyn away and STarling at school... I decided I would be FINE. I wouldn't chew anyone out or tell Starling I can't deal with him anymore or decide to throw out all of Starling's clothes not put in the laundry... you know- the normal monthly routine...

WELL... I had barely gotten back from dropping Brooklyn off when I hear a gosh-awful barking in my yard. It wasn't Charkley. He was curled up on the couch. I try to ignore it. BUT- agitating things are REALLY hard to ignore when I'm on the RAMPAGE.. Normal annoyances are like NAILS shredding a CHALK bored so ACTUAL teeth gritting annoyances are like someone thumping your ear repeatedly after being told to stop 12 times. Then I hear a SCREECHING cat and I knew it was MY cat and I see my neighbor kid and some other kid I don't recognize in my yard. I walk outside breathing deeply.

A little brown weiner dog has cornered my cat, breaks through to eat her, she FLIES into Starling's SHED and the dog follows her in there barking frantically. The two girls are yelling, "Hurly! stop! Stop!" like he's going to STOP! So I go.. PICK the dog up by his neck fat and FLING him out of my SHED and go back into my house. My mind is RACING with NASTY things I want to SCREAM at the dog, but I'm trying to CONTROL my hormones. I let the girls take the dog to my FRONT yard, where they stop and play, and I go get my cat out of the shed and let her come inside because she's shaking and covered in dog drool. I barely set her down on my carpet when I hear that dang BARK happy dog go off in my shed AGAIN.

I walked out of my door, GRABBED the dog AGAIN, flung it into the little girl's arms that just HAPPENED to move into our neighborhood last week and this is our FIRST meeting, stuck my finger RIGHt in her face and said, "YOU better LOCK that dog up, NOW. If it comes into my yard again I WILL shoot it!" And walked back into my house. I stalked BACK to my bedroom practically shaking with annoyance and RAGE and tried to take a flippin nap.

I was boiling and my mind was too racey so I went into my backyard to move all of Brooklyn's little tyke cars back under the overhang in case it rained some more. As I am walking out, I hear the little girl telling my neighbor (the Dad of the neighbor kid that comes to my house every day) that her dog ran into my shed and that I told her I would... and then she SAW me. That girl shut her mouth and ran back to her friend. (WHO is STILL playing in my front yard). Dan, my neighbor, said, "What?" so "I" finished telling the story FOR her. I said, "She was just telling you how her dog attacked my cat in MY SHED and how I told her to lock up her hound or I'd shoot it." And then I turned to the kid and said, "RIGHT? If my cat is in YOUR yard, your dog can EAT her up. But when she is in my SHED, where your dog has NO BUSINESS EVER entering... I'll put a stop to it, OKAY?" And I walked off again. (You should have seen my neighbor's faces... Starling and I have told them I am crazy but I think they thought we were kidding).

So then I go back inside feeling ABSOLUTELY NO remorse (because I feel no remorse when I am on whatever level of NUTCASE I get to) but the rational side of me that is TRYING desperately to plead with my BRAIN is saying, "You should feel bad about that. How would you like it if someone told you they were going to kill Charkley? And she's a KID, for crying out loud. And it was a DANG WEINEY DOG! like even if the cat did get chomped by him, HOW much damage could he really do?" But I still felt no remorse. So then, I looked up and saw Jesus staring at me from the kitchen (where His picture hangs) and I decided I should pray until I felt bad about what I was praying for. SO I DID. And let me tell YOU- IT TOOK AWHILE.. but FINALLy I felt my nerves calm down a little (though they were still a bit edgy) and I heard some rational thoughts enter my brain. I decided to act on my rational thoughts before they turned crazy again.

I walked out my front door where the two girls were STILL playing and said, "Let me introduce myself as NOT the psycho crazy neighbor. I'm Wendi and I'm not going to shoot your dog. I don't even know where my husband keeps his gun and even if I did I have no idea how to shoot it. And I'm sure that your dog is just excited to see the new neighborhood and I just gave away a dog that acted just like him. So tell me your name." She's probably ten. She said, "I'm Haley and WHEW... you did have me scared there for a bit. But Franja told me you really like dogs and are usually nice." I smiled and told her I am nice 29 days out of the month, but once a month (at least) I go bizerk and she'd have to pardon me, but I'm working on it.

Then I told Starling what I did as soon as he drove up and he was trying to look supportive without laughing. I didn't think it was all too funny. Its always very disturbing to me when I can't MAKE myself stay NICE. He was probably thinking it was nice to have my BLOW UP directed at someone other than HIM, I don't know. So then I told him I wanted him to work on the pool deck and Gazebo and he said, "That's the last thing I want to do. I wanted to go pick up my new motorcyle." (He just SOLD his other bike for a profit so he could buy his dream bike). My blood kind of simmered than boiled in 2 seconds flat. I don't know if that had anything to do with my emotional state or not... motorcycle talk ALWAYS seems to do that to me. But having just told Starling I felt like an emotional rollercoaster.. and him seeing my eyes turn red and horns flip out of my head, he very quickly said, "Lets go work on the DECK! I was totally kidding about the bike. Really."

So we go outside with pen and paper and finish drawing our plans... or attempt to. He gets six calls in a row and then says, "I'll be there in 10." And then he's off to show some realestate even though he just got HOME. He says, "Why don't you ride with me? We'll talk about the deck on the way." So I do... but he was on the phone the whole time and then he took forever showing the house and then ANOTHER couple drove up and he showed them some houses. (I walked around the fancy neighborhood trying to exercise away my nerves and get some good landscaping ideas). He FINALLY finished and we went to eat at Burger King because apparently I'm addicted to that new burger on their dollar menu-I've eaten one every day this week- (even though Starling made me get a buy one get one free whopper). We saw Eric and Steph getting out of their car as we drove up. Ironic. I'm sure I was a super delight to be around. I ALWAYS am during my MELTDOWN days (which is why I usually stay LOCKED in my house and Starling takes Brooklyn to play ANYWHERE other than near me. BUT I felt like I kind of had it under control having prayed and all. Then Eric started talking about motocylces and I started wondering if Steph has psycho days, too. (By the look on her face, I'm thinking motorcycles strike a nerve in her too). I started feeling very anxious and irritable and dropped Starling off at home so I could go get Brooklyn. I prayed the WHOLE way to my Mom's and by the time I got there I felt capable of conversing without throwing flaming daggers.

I came home and asked Starling if I could tickle his back (which is pretty much equal to me asking if I can jump his bones- his two favorite things in life) since he had been in school all day and then had to work late and was now using his only freetime watching YOUTUBE videos on building a deck. I think his shirt was off before I finished asking him.

I then read my scriptures with Starling and Brooklyn, said prayers with them, and we went to bed. THE NIGHT ENDED without me DESTROYING any property, causing bodily harm to my husband, or making any permanent enemies (probably just weary neighbors). So... I count that as a successful day.