Three Weeks

I am officially terrified to have a second child. I don’t know exactly the reason why I JUST now thought of it, but I just got smacked in the face by a BRICK that this kid is NOT going to be just like Brooklyn. And I’ve never thought anything of Brooklyn’s behavior as being superb or anything, not abnormally good… but today I realized she is SOOOO mature. (I know… a mature one year old? Well she IS almost two).

What one year old tells their parents, “Uh-oh. I made-da mess. I need a naptin.” And what one year old actually USES it to clean up? Today, after being up until after 3 last night, I woke up at six thirty and Starling and I taught a class at the Young Single Adult Conference. Then I RUSHED like a mouse with a cat on my tail to the baby shower I was supposed to be at TWENTY minutes before I finally got there with food and drink. When I got home I felt like a soiled dish rag. I was EXHAUSTED and I sat on my couch deciding to never move again. My little observant Brooklyn pulled herself onto the couch next to me and furled her little brows. “You are tie-erd, Mommy?” I nodded my head. “Oh. You need go night, night, Mommy?” I nodded my head again.

“If I turn on Dora for you, can Mommy go lay down and take a nap?” I asked
Brooklyn. She nodded resolutely. “Yesh. Sure.”

So I lay down in my bed. Brooklyn followed behind me. “You need a blank-let, Mommy?” I half yawned not really paying her too much attention. “He-ere… Mommy, he-ere you doe.” And she yanked on the covers trying to give them to me even though her little head can barely see over the bed.

“Thank you, Brooklyn.” She smiled, “You’re weltum, Mommy.” Then she rested her chin on the bed watching me until I fell asleep, I guess. I woke up when Starling called two hours later. And I kind of had a panicky feeling because I had REALLY fallen asleep. (Usually I HALF doze, HALF listen). My bedroom door was shut, which I NEVER shut because I want to be able to hear Brooklyn in the living room. I scurried into the living room afraid of what I’d find. Brooklyn was playing with the Trouble pieces, wearing one on each finger with the Wii remote beside her where she had started another Dora episode on Netflix.

“Dood, MOR-NING, Mommy!” She smiled at me. I scanned the room. No messes. No disasters. She’d even picked up the toys she had previously been playing with. I looked up the stuff Starling was asking me about on the phone. Then I went back into the living room where Brooklyn had put all of the Trouble pieces back into the little zip lock baggie and was attempting to close it. “Need he-yelp, Mommy.” So I helped her zip it, all the while having an out of body experience. It’s like I just noticed for the first time that she is ABNORMALLY easy to take care of. (Not saying she ALWAYS is or that she doesn’t throw fits and doesn’t act like a one year old EVER, because she DOES).

I guess that got me to thinking about ALL her little unique verbage. For example, she ALWAYS tells me when she is dirty. “Mommy! Need to wa-ash yur hands.” (Though it’s incorrect grammar- how many kids ask to WASH their HANDS?) And when she’s had a long day or played outside, she’ll tell me, “Mommy, want to take yur dress off. Mommy… want a ba-ath.” And so when she asks for a bath, I run her water. She tells me, “Want mo-ore hot.” Or “Es too hot.” She’ll tell me in the middle of the day, “Mommy. Need to brush yur teef, “ because her teeth feel yucky. She tells me when she wants to get dressed and what she wants to wear. She tells me what she wants to eat without me asking or prompting her. Today at 9 p.m. when we came in from walking (she wanted me to push her in the stroller and since she’d been so sweet and cooped up while I napped I figured it was the LEAST I could do for her), she said, “Mommy, I want bek-fest. Want spicey yumba-lye-ya.” I didn’t have any of that. “Oh. Want cer-eal.”

I’ve never thought of her constant reminders as anything other than cute before I imagined having a second baby. Suddenly, I realized with QUITE a start, that my boy won’t be able to talk as soon as Brooklyn did. And what will I do when I can’t communicate with him? And how will I remember to feed, bathe, and clothe him without him telling me? And what if he puts things in his mouth? Brooklyn sat on an old saw-dusty blanket and played with nails while Starling and I remodeled our house from the time she was a wee little tot. She never ONCE put one in her mouth. She never had a drooling or spit up problem, either. And this new kid will! And I realized today that I have NO idea how to be a parent to a different kind of kid than Brooklyn! And I know that she used to be an infant and I fed her every two hours… she obviously didn’t starve to death and that my motherly instincts should kick in, but what if I can’t handle the other stuff? What if he cries all the time? What if he’s a plunderer? What if he’s defiant? What if Time Out doesn’t break his HEART like it does Brooklyn’s? What if he doesn’t cup my face in his little hands and say, “I lub you, Mommy, soo… MU-uch?” And what if he doesn’t demand me to , “Tiss it better, Mommy! ALL Better!” What if he doesn’t sing me a night, night song every night and remind me to, “Read script-chures and say pray-yers”? I guess… the thing that has me TERRIFIED is what if I constantly compare him to Brooklyn? How can he ever measure up in my eyes? I just cannot IMAGINE loving any creature as much as I do Brooklyn… and that really scares me. If I get stressed out and annoyed with Brooklyn sometimes, how can I parent a normal kid? How can my nerves hold up? And is Brooklyn going to feel totally neglected when I have a second kid? And is Brighton going to feel totally overshadowed by “goody goody” big sister? And why haven’t I been thinking about any of this until NOW… when I’m about to give birth? And does this mean I’m going to go into some huge depression when I have Brighton? And why haven’t I valued my last months with Brooklyn more? Why have I been so worried about STUFF instead of just loving my baby before she’s not the baby anymore?

WHEW…. My hormones are making me nuts! But now that is off my chest and feel MUCH better.