Justified Insanity

So I'm trying to chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and the fact that I'm having cold feet about being a NEW BORN's mom again that comes with the crying and the two hour feedings, and the exhaustion, and the “THIS TIME I HAVE another KID to watch”, but I've been an emotional wreck. I will be merrily decorating Brighton's room and giggling with Starling over something Brooklyn has said, and then suddenly I'm having an ABSOLUTE nervous BREAKDOWN because the bassinet isn't set up. Then I'll take deep breaths and think I'm calming back down when I'll spot a wet towel dropped in the floor and I'm going BALLISTIC again because NOONE listens to ME!! How many times have I said WET towels do NOT go on the CARPET!? And Starling will pick it up wondering what on EARTH has possessed his wife, but not daring to ask, and then I'll start BOO-HOOING that he's such a fabulous husband and I'm going crazy and I just don't deserve him.

Through it all Starling has been Mr. Super Trooper. Last night, after I ferociously fumed at him for going to Wal-Mart at eight thirty to buy Day after Easter Candy and then for buying some magazine about crazy people that he wanted me to read, he ran me a hot bath, massaged my back, and apologized for insinuating that I was mentally insane. Then my mood of course CHANGED and I was back to, “I AM CRAZY! I’ve probably been crazy my whole life and just never knew it… crazy people never know they are nuts!” He reassured me that, though being thrown completely out of PROPORTION, my stress comes from legitimate concerns.

I sat pondering my emotions and why I can't seem to get a grip. Imagine a line of homeostasis. Everyone has one of these lines. A person needs enough “good stress” to feel productive, but too much of any stress can cause the stress level to go above the “normal” well- functioning line. So I have no really BIG stressors in my life. I just have a bunch of dinky ones that are relatively constant and make me insane. FOR EXAMPLE: neighbors. I grew up in the country where my nearest neighbor was in walking distance but not in screaming distance. We lived at the dead end and the only kids I ever had over were the ones I invited. I was VERY social all through high school and would go have fun and work, etc. BUT when I needed a break- I could always go home to my NICE country home where no one would be POPPING in unannounced. People could call my cell, but if I didn’t feel like talking, I didn’t have to answer.
WELL- now I live in a neighborhood, which I THOUGHT I’d absolutely love! Being right in the middle of the chaos, watering my flowers and waving to neighbors… sitting on each other’s porches drinking lemon aide, neighbor kids giggling and laughing and playing with Brooklyn, my dog having doggy friends to frolic with… so nice… I actually DO have all of that. And on MANY days, I just LOVE it and I laugh at Charkley running with his best buds from yard to yard playing chase. And I smile at Brooklyn and the neighbor kids running through my back yard splashing each other in the pool or swinging. BUT when I have had enough socialization and I just want to clean my house in PEACE or take a NAP or a BATH or COOK or lie in my pool and relax… I get the twitches when I can’t. (And I can’t. EVER). Tuesday I turned on my shower, checked my phone and had a text to check an email so while the water was heating, I went to my lap top to take care of the email. Brooklyn was sound asleep, FINALLY. No sooner did I sit on my couch then RAP RAP RAP at the door. I immediately grabbed Charkley, my dog, by the head and closed his mouth so he couldn’t bark. I did not move because, ONE- I was completely NUDE, and TWO- Brooklyn was sleeping, and THREE- I didn’t feel like babysitting the neighbor kid. AGAIN. WELL- did the neighbor kid leave? After I wouldn’t answer the door I see her start to walk off. Phew. BUT WAIT… she was only leaving my front door. She stuck her face to my big WINDOW and squinted in. Then she moved down a little until she had scanned my entire living room. LUCKILY I could crouch BENEATH the window without being seen. Talk about an invasion of PRIVACY! That’s called TOM PEEPING! (But it’s not the first time BY FAR). And ANOTHER example- I walk into my backyard to find another set of neighbor kids picking all of my blueberries. I’m all about SHARING but my blueberries aren’t even RIPE! They were just merrily picking them off and flicking them to the ground. FOUR kids. The mom and some other lady just watching and not doing a DARN thing about it. And yet ANOTHER example. Starling and I are attempting to finish our deck. It may never HAPPEN- but we try to work on it as much as possible. Starling finished the bottom or whatever you call it and all that is left is laying the deck boards ON the deck. BUT this takes two people so I was assisting. Brooklyn was playing in our yard next to us completely occupied with her dishes and swimming pool. Well, one neighbor and her friend come over. Ok. They start playing with Brooklyn. No big deal. Three more neighbor kids come over. They start attacking Charkley and throwing him in Brooklyn’s pool. Annoying, yes, but ultimately, no big deal. Two MORE neighbor kids come over. One kid is now sticking a metal POLE in MY swimming pool trying to retrieve a BUCKET that they THREW in there that is STARLING’s that he was using to work on his Bronco (probably covered in OIL for all I know). Another kid is trying to remove the water hose from our pool that we have in there to FILL the pool back to the proper fill line. (And spray it on Charkley). One of the little kids is screaming and crying because she’s scared of my dog that has now run under the deck, is curled in a ball, and whimpering because he’s traumatized by the psycho kids.

Well- I’m trying to ignore these events as much as possible, not get outraged, and just focus on the dang deck. I tell the girls for a THIRD time to leave Charkley alone. Starling tells the girls to take the metal pole out of our pool before they poke a hole in our liner and to leave the water hose alone. Does ANYONE listen to us? NO! We get THREE boards put on our deck. That is barely big enough for ONE of my butt cheeks to fit. Starling propped our pool ladder up against the deck so that I could sit on the THREE boards to put down the fourth one. My butt hasn’t even touched the decking before THREE neighbor kids have climbed onto the deck and two more on the way. I look at Starling who doesn’t seem the least bit perturbed. “NO, NO, NO! Everybody down!” I tell the kids. “Why?” Why this? Why that? Are you flipping kidding me? “Because I said get down! We are TRYING to work.” Why? Why can you be up there if we can’t? What are you trying to do? Starling, what’s that? Why does Wendi have to be up there?

“Ok… everyone needs to go play! Get out from under the deck… you see all of the saws and tools? Stop stepping on them. Help that kid get the saw unstuck from her jeans, please. No… leave Charkley under there. No, he doesn’t want to be thrown in the pool anymore. He’s going to bite you if you keep attacking him. Ok, Brooklyn can come over here… because she’s my kid and I’m watching her. Well I can’t watch all of you, too. Leave Brooklyn alone… she is tired of playing. Put her down. PUT HER DOWN. Okay- ya’ll go play.” So when it gets DARK the moms start yelling for their kids to come eat dinner. NOW the mosquitoes are attacking us, it’s getting too dark to see, Brooklyn is crying and fussy, and my nerves are shot. We go inside having put down a total of FIVE boards.

Hmmm… I think that’s really it. I think my nerves stay so shot from little daily dealings with neighbor kids that I can’t handle ANYTHING… and I mean that very literally.

So I told Starling my theory on why I stay crazy. I can’t even CHILL out and get over one annoyance in my life, returning my LINE to normal, before ten more things occur that send me REELING over the top of INSANE. And anyone knows that once you are STRESSED every tiny thing is magnified and FEELS like a ginormous thing. Such is the reason I flip out over dirty socks and dishes and tools on the kitchen counter. I have to FLIP on Starling because I can’t very well flip on the kids! (Except of course when I DO- which makes NO difference in their behavior ANYWAY). And I would MUCH rather apologize to Starling than the kids. And I try to imagine that they are all little Brooklyns and how I would NEVER want someone to yell at her or make her feel unwelcome. OF COURSE I wouldn’t BUM her off every day, either.

Well Starling ordered our blinds which are taking a lifetime and a half to come in. We wanted to order blinds for our entire house at the same time to get the bulk discount and of course nearly all of them were special order because of the crazy shapes of our two-hundred windows. (AND Starling had to shop around for MONTHS to find THE BEST deal). SO that will help. SECONDLY, Starling refused to buy me a shack in the country to let me go live and come visit him in our neighborhood when I feel capable of being civil, BUT he did promise to build me a GIANT privacy fence so that I can walk around stark naked, if I so desire, and NOONE will see me or even know I’m in the back yard. THIRD, he said that he would have a talk with all the neighbor kids about what times they can play in our yard and when NOT TO ASK. (We are still trying to decide what to tell them on that). I just know that summer vacation is coming and LAST summer as soon as I stepped out of my house to take a dip in my pool, AFTER double checking to make sure NO kids were out of their houses, HERE comes the cavalry! A bunch of kids in swimsuits plopping in around me all the while I’m scrambling to tie my top back on before I flash them all. AND that is WITH a fenced in back yard! With the gates closed!

I’m also going to make a wooden stop sign to hang on my front door that says Do Not Knock. And THAT way when I get my NEW BORN to sleep I won’t be testing my taser on a bunch of kids. I know that it’s going to be a LONG time before my privacy is restored to me… BUT even the knowledge that there is HOPE has put me in a chipper mood! And I love my neighbors! I don’t want to never hang out with them. I just have to restore some boundaries so that I don’t go postal and they don’t get me committed to a psych ward.