For SaLe!

I just watched my tan roll around the bathroom tub before swirling away into the drain. DE-PRESSING. BUT the silver lining is... I got a shower and I smell like SOAP instead of sour milk! (That'll last about 10 minutes... the milk is already loading and preparing to spew).

OH! Speaking of MILK. It's for sale. If you or someone you love wants to have an ULTIMATE protein drink- loaded with antibodies and vitamins- THIS is IT! The beverage of champions! I'm prepared to offer you 6 oz for $6. BUT WAIT... if you order TODAY you will get an ADDITIONAL 6 oz. for FREE! That is 12 oz of FULLY LOADED DAILY ESSENTIAL nutrients for the LOW,LOW price of only $6!! That is 50 cents an oz. You can't beat the price! (Unless you talk me down... in which case I'll probably STILL give it to you).

All joking aside, SERIOUSLY, since the Texas people never called me back about donating my milk- I'm prepared to pump for some locals. SO if there is someone out there that is having to supplement with formula and wants a donors milk- call me 601.270.5808. OR if you know someone who has a hospitalized baby- give them my digits. If you think its gross to give your kid someone else's booby juice... just remember that its been happening for ages... remember Wet Nurses? Yeah. They nursed other people's babies. Hmm... I wonder what the going rate for wet nurses is now... I'd LOVE to put that on my resume... "I have a Bachelor's degree from the University of Southern Mississippi. Worked as an Office Manager for 2 years. Currently a Champion Wet Nurse..." And the interviewer asks me, "What exactly is a Wet Nurse?" And I answer proudly, "I suckle those in need of suckling... feed the hungry infants of Lamar County... give aid to mothers in need of a healthier alternative to formula... in short... I am a Glorified Milk Cow. Here, sir.. I brought you a sample of my latest work. Try it and tell me what you think."

I can put a guarantee on my work, too. "If your baby has not gained a pound and four fat rolls in two weeks send back the un-used portions for a FULL refund." My little Brighton is proof of the supplements fattening powers. Oh. And of course the warning label. "CAUTION: Feeding may result in increased spit-ups, grunting, and/or extra poopy diapers. Always feed with burp rag handy. Do Not OVERFEED: overfeeding may WILL cause infant obesity."

Rest assured, my milk contains no illegal substances, tobacco products, or alcohol. (May contain some traces of caffeine if Coke Icees are indeed caffeinated).

Okay. Now I'm going to sit by my phone and await the high call volume. Supplies are limited. There are only 24 hours in a day to produce such a delicacy so don't delay.