Tuesday, March 17, 2015


I've decided that children are very useful in regards to household chores. Especially boys. SURE they may decide to clean your BRAN NEW laptop with a rag and SPRAY bottle rendering it a waterlogged piece of useless metal or dump your full bottle of shampoo down the shower drain trying to make a bubble bath, but think... If I didn't have boys....

1. Would I REALLY mop my kitchen every day? Of course not. My boys, what with their inability to hold a sippy cup upright for more than two seconds after it being handed to them, always give me the motivation I need (rather it be because I slip DOWN in an unknown puddle of yogurt or my foot keeps walking when my flip flop can't because it has become glued to a pile of sticky), to mop often.

2. Would I bathe my dog often enough? I really can't count on myself to remember to bathe my dog. I'd probably go on for DAYS waiting until she got DIRTY before I lathered her up. But thanks to my two year old, I know when to give my dog a bathe. When she gets peed on.

3. Laundry? I can't imagine my poor wash machine without children. It would probably sit there for hours on end, maybe even an entire day, lonely, collecting dust... But thanks to my boys, who love to share the majority of their meals with their LAP, I get to wash three sets of clothes PER kid DAILY.  

4. Bathrooms? Could I possibly remember to clean 3 bathrooms every week if I didn't walk into them and gag a little? I'm guessing I'd let a bathroom go an extra week if my two year old hadn't tried to paint the entire toilet and surrounding walls with his urine stream. And lucky for me, he has to pee in a different spot EVERY time he needs to take a leak. It's quite a talent, actually. It starts with, "I need go pee! I need go pee!!" To which I dumbly reply, "K! Go to your bathroom and use your stool." The dance starts. "No, no. Need to go to dat bafroom..." Halfway there, toilet in sight... MIND CHANGE. "No, no... need to go to de odder bafroom..." There is a ME trotting behind him having mild strokes. "Huwwy, mom! Huwwy!" Because I'm just sitting on the couch NOT flinging my arms wildly trying to capture the indecisive two year old? I finally CATCH the wild banchi and barely get his drawers ripped off before he shoots. He takes great care to grab his fire hose and put out ALL kinds of imaginary fires, none of which are in the toilet bowl. Despite the fact that cleaning bathrooms WASN'T on my "Chore List," it gets bumped to the top replacing things like "Take a Shower."

5. How Often would I sweep my tile floors? I'd probably be that dumpy person that figured I could get away with a lazy ONCE a week sweep. Can you imagine? Despite the rule to sit at the table to eat ANYTHING, my boys take it upon themselves to help me be a better sweeper. They drop fruit loop trails from one side of the house to the other, even taking the time to go upstairs and shoot them out of their cup like a water sprinkler. But, they don't stop there. I am raising over achievers. Each cereal must be GROUND into the tile and/or moistened by water or another equally soluble substance, to insure a final product resembling cement. It makes sweeping MUCH more interesting. I enjoy NOTHING more than using a metal scraper prior to a broom. And for kicks, and to keep me on my toes, my boys time test me by doing this minutes before guests arrive.

6. Bed Sheets? My sheets would DEFINITELY not be washed two to five times a week if Boeing didn't use my bed as a "house" for his sand toys. AND liquidate his assets while he sleeps. He is kind enough to only pee on MY bed since it is only a month old and is the ONLY bed without a plastic protector. But don't worry. The other 3 beds in the house get equal attention. Their sheets get ripped off to become capes, ropes, and mounds for a slightly less jarring jumps. All of which gets left on the floor and stomped by grocery store feet, sand, and grit.

7. Managing Time Wisely? I KNOW for a fact I would be a daily reader if I didn't have children. I would always have a book in my hand getting lost in words longer than three letters. I'd probably forget all of my colors, numbers, and certainly my name "MOM."  Luckily, my kids give me momentary pop quizzes usually while I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing anyway- bathing, peeing, brushing my teeth... "MOM??" I'm given less than two seconds to respond or the frequency increases and a resounding, "MOM MOM MOM!!!" erupts at which point a verbal response is useless and a physical appearance and sometimes a good shake, is required to make the alarm stop. Sometimes I am actually needed, but usually it's just a drill. "Hey mom! I was just wondering where you were."

8. Overeating? I can't even imagine sitting down and eating a full meal undisturbed. My kids make certain that I can't gain a calorie from a single bite, without burning a few, running errands for them. They are so kind as to wait for me to be completely seated with fork mid air before asking for refills, ketchup, or napkins. And they always take turns asking so I don't cheat and get them all a drink at the same time. And, of course, me sitting down to eat is cue for the boys to take a poo. Nothing says, "Delicious!" Like returning to a bowl of chocolate pudding after wiping a 3 year olds butt.

9. Patience? Seriously? That is a dumb one. What on earth would I do with patience if I didn't have kids?

10. Personal Grooming? I would be a flippin' mirror hog if I didn't have kids to keep me humble. I would be waking up at reasonable hours plucking out my uni-brow, SHOWERING, BLOW drying my hair instead of reserving electricity and letting it air dry, unbrushed and unconditioned, because all the conditioner has been used to make the tub into a slip n slide. I'd probably want to show off my legs and armpits because I would have taken the time to shave them. My phone would be blown up with selfies instead of side-sies and other unflattering angles that can only be taken if you are less than three feet tall and aiming at a mom that is still in pjs with no make-up. My perfume would smell pleasant, instead of like cleaning supplies- or worse- the big nasty I'm cleaning.

11. Outtings? I would not be the social butterfly I am without children. My "dates" would only consist of five or six women. With kids, any outing becomes a "play date" and there are guaranteed to be no less than 15 people. It's wonderful. The kids ensure there are no awkward silences by never letting me talk. When the day comes to an end, the kids throw tantrums, resulting in another calendared play date, sometimes within the same week.

I could go on ALL day about the benefits of children, but I am currently being "motivated" to cook French toast. I am craving anything but that, since I've made French Toast every morning for the last 7 days, but since my angels can eat the same exact thing every day of their lives, I get to experience little or no food deviation. It's wonderful. It takes out all the guess work of wondering if I might actually enjoy eating something that day. I already know. I won't.