Friday, September 30, 2011

Come one, come ALL!!

People of the world- I am calling on you to be MY personal Guinea Pigs!! I'm broke like a toy from China and I've got uh... WANTS! (I was ABOUT to claim them as needs... but... I only need them to satisfy my wants). ANYWAY- I REALLY want to buy a new lens for my Canon...(yes, I know... a girl is NEVER satisfied!) BUT- I LOVE LOVE LOVE my camera. And I LOVE to take pictures... and I want to be able to take close ups without my lens touching my subject's FACE... (This tends to frighten my subjects and therefore most my pictures have a wide-eyed, blank or traumatized subject instead of the grinning facial I was ATTEMPTING to capture). BUT- as the responsible and reasonable and mostly PO' woman that I AM... I am going to LEARN all there is to know about MY camera and lens FIRST to PROVE to Starling that this isn't just one of my crazy, whimsical endeavors... (like the time I decided I was going to be an artist and bought an easil, paint brushes, paint, canvases, etc... AND painted three things that Starling said would look INCREDIBLY AWESOME hanging in our CLOSET... AT which point I KIND of lost interest! BUT-FOR the RECORD- someone DID buy one of my paintings at a garage SALE! For less than I paid for the CANVAS I painted it on but that is BESIDE the POINT).

SO.. you TOTALLY want to help me RIGHT?!? Here is what I NEED you to do! I need you to model for me! I am offering 30 minute photo sessions at MY STUDIO (which might, to the naked eye, look an awful lot like my po-dunk YARD and/or LIVING room... but is in reality... an ENTIRE genre of GREAT photo sets) for the LOW, unbeatable price of $25! AND that includes a CD of ALL the photos I take of YOU, Your KIDS, Your FAMILY, Your PETS, Your inanimate objects that have sentimental value..., WHATEVER you DESIRE!! AND that means you can get AS MANY photos printed as you'd LIKE instead of paying for individual pics of random sizes and coughing up a lung and a rib cage for the rights to my digital images.

Disclaimer: I am not YET a professional and your pictures may very well turn out looking like your toddler got ahold of your disposable camera, but I vow to try my darndest to make you happy!! AND, if nothing else, you'll have fun modeling for 30 minutes! AND you'll have the satisfation that ONLY service brings, knowing you our helping a SISTA' out!!

Here are a few of my "practice on my kids" in the style of OVER-EXPOSED black and white.

I will ALSO be hosting weekly Digital Scrapbooking classes beginning Thursday Oct. 6th at 7:00. These classes are 100% FREE of charge! This is just another means to Practice my Heritage Makers Spill until I've perfected it! AND you'll learn something in the process and have a blast hanging out with a bunch of gabbing Oak Grovians and ALL other welcomed travelers. I'll show you how to make canvases, scrap book pages, and books ALL on your computer in the comfort of your home! (And you don't have to buy a program!! A basic account is FREE).

AND, while I'm out to smack EVERY creative bug in my BODY, I will ALSO be selling HAIR BOWS!! (That disclaimer about not being a professional photographer goes for the hairbows, too... BUT you can SEE them before you PURCHASE!! Or you can just give me whatever ribbon you want a hair bow made from and I'll whip it into shape for ya!)

Here are some SAMPLES from my BOW-DACIOUS BOW-TIQUE! (also resembling my kitchen table... but don't worry... I cleaned off the SPAGETTI-O's FIRST! so... I'm sorry... hair bows for sale! spagetti-o's not included...)

And some FLOWERS (which were all made a LONG time ago and before I learned about HEAT sealing. THEY are just so you can get an IDEA... not exactly the finest example of purdy quality...),


Thursday, September 22, 2011


I seriously have the most awesome, and perhaps CRAZIEST, friends/family. SOOO for my birthday I got woken up by a screeching, "HAPPY BIRF-DAY, MOMMy!!!!" From Brooklyn as a gift bag conked the side of my head simultaneously. "THIS IS FOR YOU!!!" And then Brooklyn RIPPED the bag open for me and said, "OH MOMMY! ITS SO BEAUTIFUL!" She was NOT referring to the silver IPOD inSIDE the bag... she was referring to the fuzzy yellow "chicken" (which was NOT a chicken, mind you) ON the bag.

THEN Starling handed me my FAVORITE, most desirable above all edibles, BREAKFAST: an apple fritter from Do-nut Grove. (I don't even LIKE apple fritters... simply because I'm not the hugest fan of cinnamon. BUT I will just about gnaw off my ARM to get to one of Do-nut Groves expertly fried in sugary BLISS, melt in your mouth, have to reign your tongue in, need a napkin to sop up the drool, apple fritters). NOTE: MUST microwave for 10-15 seconds to get optimum results. (which starling DID). I was purring like a kitten. I BARELY paused to rip the giant 2 and 5 out of the do-nut before I took my next bite. Starling was probably wondering why he bothered giving my the ipod when I seemed SO much more excited about the LESS than a dollar goody. (My heart is much closer to my stomach than normal females... esPECIALLY first thing in the morning).

Once I downed a glass of ice-cold milk, I was able to examine the IPod. I know that most everyone, including Starling, already has an IPod and they are old news. Technologically challenged WENDI has never desired one until I started piddling at the gym, and gave up on how to work the thing in less than sixty seconds. Starling promised he'd put all the songs on it for me and I could just push play. THAT sounded like a plan.

OH. We got the hugest bill EVER for our electricity or AIR. We quickly figured out that when your air conditioner runs ALL DAY and is BROKEN so your house never COOLS down... it still uses electricity. Starling probably already knew that. BUT since I'm the one always at home... with all the doors wide open while the kids and I run in and out and MRS. NEVER pay attention to the AIR... never realized that it was staying ON and until Starling mentioned it to me... that the house was simmering. NOW I easily recognize the LATTER.

So a couple girls from my ward (church ward not psych ward) showed up at my house for us to make hair bows. I felt SOOO bad that I FORGOT to mention my air was out. (That's something most people want to know so they can find ANY excuse NOT to visit you!) Starling, the sweet and thoughtful man that he is (MOST of the time) moved our kitchen table into our den where we have a small air conditioner unit and we did our craft in there. Besides the children crawling up our legs like little monkeys trying to swing on VINES, we were able to learn a LOT! I can make a HAIR BOW!! No more giving $8 bucks to Wal Mart every time Starling takes Brooklyn somewhere without me. (BEING because I always send Brooklyn WITH a bow... Starling always brings her back WITHOUT a BOW... and looks at me like I'm asking him where the UFO landed when I inquire about it). SO, for all you owners of GIRL mammals... children, dogs, rabbits... send your dollars MY way! I'll make you WHATEVER hair bow you WANT! And I'll only charge you SEVEN dollars! lol- I won't charge you that much. Like SIX... fifty... or four... DEPENDS- JUST give me a HOLLA! Your money can go to feeding the poor (my family) instead of funding China. JUST SAYING.

Okay.. back to my BIRTHDAY. WHICH was yesterday, by the way. Jessie brought me a giant loaf of pumpkin bread and pumpkin cookies. She stuck a candle in the middle of that bread and I got sang to by all my girlies. SOOO sweet! AND yummy! A card was also included. Brooklyn RIPPED the card open and said, "I GOTTA LETTER!" She read it to me, "...a whale. A whale named Monstro. But he's alive! He's at the top of the bottom of the sea." (Yeah. Pinocchio).

THEN she ran to me with a card from the mail. It was from the ladies in Relief Society -our lady church group/sisterhood- (THANK you Sister Snyder!!) I finally got to read it when BROOKLYN was done reading about the whale. NOW she has taken OVER the card calling it her magical butterfly letter (since its in the shape of a sparkly butterfly).

I finally checked my phone. Curious. Nothing on it. When I attempted to text someone- "radio is not on" flashed on my phone. SO I turned it back on and fourteen happy birthdays flashed on my screen. THANKS to ALL!! MADE my DAY! And I had some voice mails, one from Boston singing me happy birthday. LOVE!!! I want to save that forever. Sooo sweet!

THEN I actually got DRESSED and Starling drove me to do all of my errands- buy out Hobby Lobby's ribbon department, tutu material, alligator clips, etc... THEN he bought me some new tennis shoes (because the four pair I have just aren't at the store on SALE anymore...) I like them! VERY comfy. AND he bought him a pair. (WHICH- if you saw ALL of HIS tennis shoes you'd say, "WHY does he have that many shoes??" and then "why doesn't he buy a new pair of SHOES?") He has many pairs of tennis shoes... ALL WELL USED. In fact, one pair, that he used to work on concrete at one of his client's houses, was SO disgusting I decided to wash them. WELL. I succeeded in making an ENTIRE load of laundry smell like rotten toe jam.

The kiddos and I got the privilege of sitting in on one of Starling's business transactions at the Shed. Starling was buying property or something. So then when all documents were signed, Starling said, "K, Lets roll." Next thing I know Brooklyn is ON the GROUND. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Get off the FLOOR!" Brooklyn, looking like a deflated balloon, softly explains, "But I jus wanted to roll..." OH MY. I don't know what we are going to do with that child. It reminded me of when we were at CiCi's and Brooklyn wanted to put the red pepper on Starling's pizza. She turned it over and nothing was coming out. Starling told her, "Shake it!" She turned it back upright and was shaking it all over the place. LIKE I do her chocolate milk. Upright. Where nothing comes out. Poor thing. I was hoping she didn't get the air from my head BUT I'm seriously starting to wonder...

We THEN went to my parents house where they had my THREE favorite pizzas from my ONE favorite PIZZA place. Pizza HUT. CHEESE, BBQ, and Onions and Bell Pepper. I ate until I looked pregnant and then Starling brought out my birthday cake. A GINORMOUS, as big as the table, Chocolate Chip Cookie cake from Classic Cookie. (Starling's FAVORITE place on earth besides Dirt Cheap). My dad also had home made fudge. OMG. SOOOO I ate until I looked nine MONTHS pregnant. Then Brooklyn ran to me with another gift back screaming, "HAPPY BIRFDAY, MOMMY!!!" and again, she screamed, "I GOTTA LETTER!" And aGAIN she read out that Gepetto got swallowed by a whale but he was alive at the bottom of the sea inside of Monstro. She slammed the card shut. "OKAY guys... we haf to find him." My parents got me two 16gb camera cards which was PERFECT because my camera card was FULL and they had to GIVE me their gift so that I could take PICTURES of Brooklyn giving me my gift.

Then I got a suspicious phone call asking when I'd be home. And then like 4 consecutive texts asking if I was almost home. SOOO I went home. My house was all dark and we made like FOUR trips inside to get all of our stuff. I was going on about how our house smelled like a nursing home... all stale and OLD with NO air circulation... Then I turned on the lights... rounded the corner and "RRRRAAAA!!!" I did a quick rendition of Fred Flinstone's twinkle toe bowling moves as I screamed and got out of the way. Kaylee and Susan Humphreys had been crouched in the dark. In the smoldering house. For like EVER. Susan hadn't been brave enough to wait under our covers in the bedroom like Kaylee had suggested. (Even though I wish they had. #1 that DEFINITELY would have scared me more, and #2 when I climbed under the covers with them without any drawers on they would have been EQUALLY terrified!) WELL- probably good that they didn't...

ANYWAY- I was thrilled to see them! AND they brought me a ginormous bag of Pretzel M&M's. (My FAVS!!) I did NOT go work out even though I ate my weight in junk food. I instead stayed up REALLY late with Starling and the kids singing, "I Got No Strings to Hold me Down! To Make me Fret To make me Frown!" At the top of our lungs with Brooklyn periodically injecting, "LOUDER!!!" Since all of our windows our open on account of it being a THOUSAND degrees cooler OUTSIDE than in our HOUSE, I'm certain that every neighbor was joyfully dancing to our screeching harmony at two a.m.

I woke up tweeky... as I'm self weaning myself OFF of the meds the doc gave me in an attempt to stabilize my moods.. that did NOT work. So now I feel like a chipmunk on speed. A Jackle and Hyde chipmunk on speed. I have been doing my very OWN research using my VAST and GLOWING psychology education I received from the Big ole SOUTHERN MISS to self diagnose and self medicate. I KNOW... every doctor's WORSE NIGHTMARE... a patient that thinks they know more than THEM. WELL- its pretty obvious that antidepressants do NOT work. On Me. Hmmm... could have something to do with the fact that I am FAR from DEPRESSED! BUT whatever... who am I to say I'm not depressed... what do I know? I'm just with me 24 hours a day. I am just MOODY. Unnaturally so. SOOOO with all my super ups and once a month psycho DOWNS- I think I need a mood stabilizer. The most recommended? Lithium? YIKERS... that word sounds like LETHAL. Ummm... not really what I want coursing through my breastfeeding, want to get pregnant again, veins. SOOO I did MORE research. I was glad that I did my due diligence in that treacherous Neuro-psychology class that I thought was going to send me into a coma for TWO reasons: one- brain overload... two- boredom.

My medications that I have self- prescribed MYSELF are 400 mg Magnesium (which supposedly attach themselves to the same synapse(I KNOW what that word means from that class) that lithium does- all natural. NO side effects) and 1,000 mg of FISH OIL. A few tests have shown that Omega 3 does in fact work as a mood stabilizer. Of course, no one is dumping gobs of money into proving it since its not up for a Patton and WHAT drug company wants to prove that an over the counter med that costs next to NOTHING works when they can charge a lung and a leg for their DRUG??... and THEN have a doctor prescribe six of their OTHER pat-toned drugs to help with the SIDE-EFFECTS. Yeah. SOOO I'm playing the test rat. I'll keep ya posted. I just wish a doctor would prescribe me a Xanax as my chill pill when I feel the crazy brewing to take the edge off. BUT I only have to wait, or should I say.... STARLING and the CHILDREN only have to wait TWO months to see if my hypothesis of Magnesium and Fish Oil work. If it does WOO HOO!!! If is DOESN'T... then I guess I'll suck it up and go see a shrink. The ultimate defeat to a psychiatrist Wanna-Be.

BUT- while I've been a hyped up, the world is my cracker, happy go lucky teenager with mommy's credit card person- I've written a LOT of music! So there are SOME perks to being completely off one's bar stool... creativity oozing out the nostrils. (Although that sounds less like a perk and more like- go get a tissue and wipe up that mess). SOOO I just need someone who would just LOVE to RECORD all my creativity for ME! For uh... NOT $50 an hour... I only charge $5 an hour for babysitting... ya see how that makes it IMPOSSIBLE for me to pay that much?? Here's my proposal.

"Dear Person who is AWESOMELY talented. You probably have TONS of paying SINGER people at your disposal that ALL want some original music to record. For a MERE *you record all of my music for free and give me a CD of me singing it all* YOU can HAVE *after I have my music copywrited* ALL the access to my songs for your PAYING clients. They can get FAMOUS off my songs and ALL I want in return? ROYALTIES! SEE what a good DEAL THAT IS!!?? AND I'll DEFINITELY blog about you! FREE advertisement! And... I'll trade you.. PICTURES! I will do your studio photo shoots for FREE! See?? And I'll throw in some free canvases to put on your walls and make your studio PIMP! -Thank you Mr. Incredible. Do Call!! -Wendi 601.270.5080"

I take calls from 6 in the morning until 6 in the morning. Sooo yeah. That would be... ANYTIME! I really want to get to rock n rolling with this mess!

Okay- somehow I ventured WAY away from my topic at hand... BIRTHDAY... yeah. So today- since Starling forbade me from driving- (something about he just wanted me to give it a few days while I'm easing off those blasted meds)- I was loafing around at home doing boring stuff like laundry and dishes and NOT so boring stuff like drawing up plans to redecorate my whole house- and remodel the yard into part of our house- my friend Lacey came over. She's my Visiting Teacher- so great! Way to do your calling! (Church and church stuff is kinda my THANG, if you haven't noticed.... I kind of LOVE it). So SHE brought me a bag of CHOCOLATE- Twix, 3 muskateers, snickers, milky ways... my FAVORITES!! And then WHITNEY, my other friend who half the people from our elementary thought we were the same person, came over and brought me MORE goodies! Cookies! And some smell goods and lip stuff, AND another card about a whale and he's alive and being at the bottom of the sea. (It actually had a picture of Whit and me... I claimed the stick figure with long hair and told her she could be the stick with the fro... that explained our line of communication... something along the lines of AIR...). And TOMORROW my friend Mauri is taking me to get a Pedi and dinner! After I eat all the goodies I may be the size of a Cane Brake house, but I will have PRETTY TOE NAILS!! THANKS to ALL my INCREDIBLE friends! (that all want to make me fat). YOU ROCK!!!

Saturday, September 17, 2011


It's 12:50 a.m. Saturday morning. What am I up to? Well since you ASKED... I'm on Youtube looking up "How to build a Fall Out Shelter?" I am also trying to decide how to PRICE one and WHERE I should put one... I don't think my house would be the greatest place... in case we move... I was thinking in the the PO-DUNK country area where NOONE is likely to trespass on foot and it would be EASY to shoot looters. But it can't be TOO far away because we need to be able to travel to it quickly in case we are in immediate danger AND so we can restock it and rotate the food regularly. IN case you are wondering WHY I'm a paranoid homosapian... the answer is.. I've been a borderline crazy for quite some time in response to the horrid dreams I've had.

When we first got married I dreamed that bombers were dropping explosives, aka BOMBS, over the area where we lived and I would wake up SCANNING my brain for WHAT we should even DO if that were to happen? However I never went so far as to research it... I just told Starling, "I'd like you to build me a bomb shelter for my birthday" over breakfast.

THEN I moved into a mobile home. I had nightmares that Tornados were landing in the middle of the night. I'd wake up in a panic thinking, "We'd just DIE!" And.. again I told Starling of my needs and desires, "Hun... I want you to build me a storm shelter for my birthday."

THEN we moved into our little apartment while we remodeled our house. I dreamt of luters coming and stealing all of our stuff. AND since all of our stuff was chilling in a SHED without locks and our BREEZEWAY without even DOORS... one can see why my tiny brain was reveling in paranoia inside my little drowsy head. I'd wake up and tell Starling, "We need an alarm system and lots of locks."

THEN we moved INTO our little remodeled (and still in the process OF renovating)brick house and I watched the TV series "24." The BEST series was season whatever the contagious thing was. It gave me nightmares from the FIRST episode until three months after we finished the LAST episode. (It was WAY more intense and more AWESOME than Contagion but essentially the same story line...with a better ending... middle, and beginning...JUST saying...) I started dreaming that a contagious disease was infecting Oak Grove and Governent officials had sent the Health Officials, fully clothes in white jumpsuits with glass globes on their heads, to my house to quarantine Brooklyn. I REFUSED to let them take my angel away from me... SOOO they quarantined me, too. I sat in a room holding her... not wanting her to TOUCH anyone... but after being told the contagious disease was airborne and that if we were not immune than we already HAD the disease... quickly giving up on keeping our distance.. We became friends with the people in the giant plastic bubble. AND THEN we watched symptoms appear on them. First... a drop of blood from the nostril. (My dream was MUCH more graphic and disgusting than Contagion... it more resembled the rendition of 24). THEN boils began popping up all over the host's body. Everyday the spacesuit nazi would walk through and check each of us for bumps... If anyone showed ANY symptom- they were waltzed to the incenerator and burned because they were indeed infected. There was NO cure. AND they needed the space for the OTHERS that needed to be quaranteened. I noticed a bump on Brooklyn's legs... a mere mosquito bite... and I was FU-REAKING OUT! I kept trying to pull her shorts down a little to cover it up. I didn't want them to throw her in the fire. I'm not going to lie... I did not just WAKE up panicking... I BOLTED out of bed CRYING HYSTERICALLY. (Hmmm- I wonder why Brooklyn has such lucid nightmares... probably gets it from Starling).

Tonight Starling asked me out on a date. He took me to the movies (with the movie coupons we won at Doctor Cronin's Halloween Candy Buy Back.. LAST year). They were about to expire. ANYWAY- we saw Contagion.

Let me just say to all my church peeps... You know how we've been told REPEATEDLY to have a YEAR supply of food stored and to BE PREPARED for natural disasters, etc?? WELL- I do believe we should watch Contagion as a church activity THEN pass around the sign up sheet for going to the Store House Cannery. I think a LOT more people would SIGN up to get their Food Storage ON!!

Here are a few things we were discussing on the WAY to the theator:
Starling:"I want to build a huge playhouse for Brooklyn. Where would you like me to put it?"
Wendi: "Where ever you want... I want to bust out the brick in our room and make it twice as big. How hard would that be?"
Starling: "I was thinking of tearing down that lean-to off my shed and putting her playhouse there... In the air with a wrap around porch. And I can put stuff underneath. And we aren't tearing down the back of our house."
Wendi: "You want a two year old to climb ontop of the roof? How would she even DO that? Well can we at LEAST CUT a HOLE in the wall and ADD a GINORMOUS closet to hold all of our crap?"
Starling: "Brooklyn can climb a latter. OR stairs if you're so worried."
Wendi: "Stairs would be okay... with LOTS of railing! And the playhouse needs to have WALLS so that the kids can't FALL out of it. AND BARS on the windows so they don't climb out! And what about my closet??"
Starling: "YES it'll be SAFE. Its going to be AWESOME... the kids will be able to see the whole neighborhood from their little fort."
Wendi: "AND my CLOSET???"
Starling: "Uh.. you want a bigger closet? Uhh.. You want to try a caramel apple icecream from McD's? Its INCREDIBLE!"
Wendi: "Like a caramel apple sucker? That doesn't even sound remotely good to me."
Starling: "TRUST me! You'll like it."
Wendi: "No.. I want pretzel M&M's."

Here is the conversation on the ride HOME from the MOVIE:
Wendi: "Okay... I want to build a fall out shelter. How hard is that?"
Starling: "Dude... I need to buy more guns. We need to be able to scare off looters."
Wendi: "I have never been so motivated to do food storage in my LIFE! But I don't even know what to store!"
Starling: "We store sugar and flour and wheat."
Wendi: "Uhhh... how are we supposed to eat WHEAT?? What do you even DO WITH it??"
Starling: "You cook it! Like... into bread. You could learn to cook with wheat."
Wendi: "Learn to cook with wheat. LIKE I learned to cook meat? And pasta..."
Starling: "You're right. We're going to starve..."
Wendi: "NO... we can cook LIPTON noodles on your camp stove! We know how to do THAT!"
Starling: "Yeah... so long as rats don't find the Lipton before we need it."
Wendi: "Oh yeah... we should stick to cans. I know how to cook green beans and corn."

AND now we're making blue prints for an underground cement fort. You can call it EXTREME... or PREpARED... we're calling it.... PEACE of MIND. I WAS thinking we could just lock down our house and be all cozy until I saw all the crazy people busting out windows and shooting owners to get to their food... and medicine... THAT'S when I decided we needed to go underground in a secret location. I don't want to store a bunch of food and get dead.

Yeah. Wish me luck.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Crazy adventures of the Johnson family just got CRAZIER

Okay- I will forewarn you that its 1:00 a.m., I did NOT get a Sunday nap, and I am so tired I could possibly BE asleep right now and DREAMING that I am blogging. (Stranger things HAVE happened). So WHY AM I Blogging right now? Because I have news and bla bla... I just found out tonight AND I want to be the one to spread it before you hear it from someone else. We told my parents tonight and one of my cousins so... yeah- I'm not the only one with a loud mouth in my family. And I decided to just BLOG about it because anyone who loves me should READ my BLOG! (Like uh- the 3 main people that DON'T.. my MOM, DAD, and STARLING).

AND don't be jumping to conclusions. I have a LONG story to tell before I make my announcement. SO stop trying to GUESS the end!!

So- I've been feeling ALL kinds of motherly all of a sudden... just full of teary, lovely dovey, want to rescue all living creatures and shower them with kisses... (I figured it was just an UP swing in my mood as THAT is what Starling told me when I started wanting puppies and rabbits...) BUT I am NOW thinking God was preparing me for a greater purpose.

AND I've been having all the INSANE issues with my body that I blogged about eons ago. (OR last week... whatever). My AUNT, along with some OTHER people including STARLING, TERRIFIED me when they mentioned I "sounded" pregnant. WELL- I KNEW I wasn't. BUT I AM taking some medication that is fine while BREASTFEEDING but QUESTIONARY (if that is a word) for PREGNANT. SO.. I had NO intention of testing for anything... BUT there was that little seed of WORRY like WHAT IF... SOOO I went to the DOLLAR STORE. Two reasons. ONE- they sell dollar tests. TWO- no one I knew would see me purchasing a pregnancy test not even FOUR MONTHS after having a baby.

SOOOO I wait in line and JUST as I'm about to get to the cashier, good ole JILL walks up. She is one of my pregnant church friends. WELL- I considered grabbing a bag of M&M's and checking out, pretending THAT is the ONLY reason I came to the store... but it was my turn and I was standing there empty handed... "Could I get one of those dollar tests." Cashier, "A pregnancy test? Yeh- we moved them to that wall over there." Seriously. They've always had them under the counter. Yeah- I buy them every time I miss my COMPLETELY random period... which (while I'm giving TMI) I haven't even STARTED since having Brighton. SOOOO then I felt the need to explain that I KNOW I'm not pregnant to Jill as I RaN AWAY, MORTIFIED.

THEN I got home and my friend Matt is over. Starling tells me to go pee on my stick to see if we need to celebrate or what. So I did my bis-nis, came out and told them it was negative. Okay- life went on as normal.

Since I didn't have a baby cooking up in my insides I felt NO remorse for sneaking a rabbit into our home through Starling's love for Brooklyn's happiness. AND we've really enjoyed Cleo! And are STILL enjoying her!

THE THING IS.. I had no IDEA that STARLING my DARLING was going to give me an early birthday present that was going to require feeding every two hours and take away even MORE of my NEGATIVE amount of energy... but he can't COMPLAIN about THESE little additions since HE is the one that GAVE them to me.

OH- and if you didn't catch on to the PLURAL... ya SHOULD.

And seriously, all night I've been one little emotional wreck... even though they are like- what- an inch long? THEY STILL remind me of my little Bry Bry... and I get teary eyed and all gushy mushy over each of them. I just keep thinking, "What if I can't give them all the attention they'll need since I have two kids, a Charkley, and a Cleo? And what about Brighton and Brooklyn... am I going to have to neglect them to take care of these new babies? BUT- LIKE I SAID earlier... I think God has been preparing me to take care of these babies because I specifically prayed for a chance to serve and feel completed... to give me a purpose... AND I did NOT pray for PATIENCE (since I've learned my lesson on THAT) but... God is probably hoping I'll catch a bit of that, too.

And since I know that NO ONE is going to believe me on the PLURAL babies... Ya... not two. THREE... I've included the first PICTURES.

CRAP! Okay... that is the wrong one... I've been trying to figure out how delete this pic for like twenty minutes to NO avail... THAT pic is of Brighton... LEAVE it to me... MIND you it is NOW TWO THIRTY SIX a.m. and my brain shut down WAY long ago at EIGHT THIRTY... okay HERE is the RIGHT PIC... at least lets HOPE!

Heeee Heeee Heeee..... HA HA! FOOLS! (Since its not APRIL). In my defense I DID tell you NOT to jump to conclusions! And since I am officially DONE feeding my little rugrats... well squirrels... (don't want them getting offended being called the wrong rodent name) I am SOOO climbing in my bed and NEVER waking up. (until my alarm goes off in two hours because it is time to feed them. AGAIN. LOVIN IT THOUGH!!! If they were baby turtles they would remind me 100% of Bry Bry... but since they are just squirrels... its like a 98% remindage.

Make sure to congratulate me! And you can throw me a shower, too... Its not going to be easy raising triplets.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Meet Cleo!

Singing:: Here comes Misses Cottontail...Hopping down the Johnson's trail... Hippidy Hop Hop...Starling's gonna FLI-IP!::

Meet Cleo!

OH YES... despite the fact that Starling JUST talked me out of getting the CUTEST white Maltese/Shiatsu mix from the pound... he didn't tell me I couldn't get a RABBIT! AND... anyway... it was FOR Brooklyn. Mostly.

Brooklyn wanted a "rap." EVER since she played with Frankie Raub's rat, she was DYING to have her own. Over Starling's dead body. He let me have a CAT so we didn't GET rats. Okay, okay. But the cat scratches Brooklyn. Charkley is just too heavy to be hauled around by a 2 year old that hasn't even broken 25 pounds yet. PLUS both the CAT and the DOG are attached to ME. Like Hot Glue to a careless finger. SOOOO I took Brooklyn and Boston to LOOK at the bunnies. There was only ONE and it was big and, quite honestly, ugly. It was a Velveteen rabbit with giant kickers that kangaroo kicked the kiddos in the chest and took off running through the pet store. Nice. Did that deter the two little darlings? On the Contrer... It put them in animal-holding-wanna-hold now-CRAZED-mode. They wanted to hold the Guinness Pigs, the Hampsters, the birds, the FISH... AND, this absolutely SHOCKED ME, the SNAKES... I wasn't THAT shocked by BOSTON wanting to hold one... but BROOKLYN? Little miss- "MOMMAY!!! I don't WANNA touch the WORM!" She was DEsPerATE to hold ANYTHING. Well- I wasn't going to get close to the GLASS- let alone HOLD a snake. Ughgh... they give me the hibby jibbies in a stalker at Wal-Mart kind of way. BUT some lady let them pet the one she was holding. My insides froze up... but they survived alright.

Then Boston said, "BROOK BROOK! COME!" And she ran to see what he had found. SPIDERS. I didn't even go NEAR that section. ICK, Ick, double BEAT em' with a STICK, ICK! (Which reminds me of a funny story I'll have to remember to tell). I asked wearily... "Brooklyn, you want to hold a SPIDER??" She looked at me like I'd asked if she'd like to drink raw sewage. "NO! I don't WANT to touch the itsy itsy spider! The spider es YUCK!" Halelujia... all her sense wasn't lost.

Anyway- they held the protesting bunny for another thirty min, each saying, "My turn," immediately after passing it off. Finally, when I feared for the bunny's well being, I bribed them away with tauntings of ALL they could eat PIZZA! At Ci Ci's. Yeah. All they could eat. like two slices a piece and a brownie. BUT they had a BLAST! And, if I'm being COMPLETELY HONEST, SO DID I! It was like- THE most ADORABLE thing watching them eat pizza. "I want a... RED pizza!" Opposed to...? And then they would put pepper on their pizza and act like their mouths were ablaze like my kitchen stove every time I try to cook meat. Then they would giggle and guzzle down some sprite. I had as much fun as them just WATCHING. And I ate enough to make up for their measly appetites.

I'm thinking that's why it is IMPERATIVE for true life happiness to have offspring. All the things that used to bring me the GREATEST joy... Barbies, going to the Zoo, Theme Parks, Scary Movies, text messaging, mud sliding, Boys... its just NOT the same. So what do GROWN UPS do for fun? (Plenty of things, I know... get together and EAT... that's what) but NOTHING is more fun than RE-LIVING your childhood THROUGH your kids. Seeing their excitement over a "turtle fish" or dog clothes with Rhine stones ("MOMMy! Its... so... BEAUTIFUL...")is simply priceless. Hearing their little voices sing the theme songs to Disney Movies, watching their eyes try to escape their heads when they catch a glimpse of a squirrel in the yard, watching their tongues savagely mutilate an ice cream cone.... I could just sit back in my Lazy Boy with a big ole' tub of buttery popcorn (or better that cheese kind... and caramel kind... ya know.. sweet and salty fix at the same time...) and a GIANT glass of sweet lemon aide and laugh my way through the next 18 years. (OR until they hit the dreaded TEENS).

So... beCAUSE my greatest joy in life is seeing my CHILDREN joyful... can you BLAME me for wanting to get my kid a rabbit? Its not a dog or a rat. IF I had gotten EITHER one of those... well... that would have just been blatant disregard for the love of my life, Starling. BUT I do not wish to make his life miserable... SOOOOOooo I got something cute and fluffy and prayed he'd like it.

Yeah RIGHT... like I'd leave the BUNNY to do all the work... BROOKLYN is my secret weapon in all things ANIMAL. She TOTALLY sucked up my DOG attempt. When we took Starling with us to the pound to get the dog I claimed BROOKLYN was in love with... Starling asked, "Do you LOVE the dog?" Brooklyn, who had never even shown INTEREST in the dog, said, "umm.. NO. I just love Charkley." SOOO Starling ROLLED his eyes and we left, my cover blown. BUT the rabbit was different. She really WAS and IS in love. And could Starling REALLY NOT love Brooklyn being in LOVE?? Um. What is he made out of cement with a frozen turkey for a heart? Of COURSE he isn't going to make HER take back that BUNNY. (Although he did give me an ear full about its HUGE and NOT a tiny little rabbit and he has to go work to pay for the FOOD and our WHOLE house smells like a VETeranarian's office... yata yata... which is HILARIOUS mind you since he walked into our house like FIVE minutes after we got home with the rabbit who hadn't even laid a single pellet yet). But really... after watching Brooklyn love on Cleo for two minutes... Starling was saying things like, "Awww... do you love your new bunny?" "Look at the sweet little thing...she loves you, too..." AND Cleo is like- the sweetest thing ever.

I had actually decided, on SEEING the "new" bunnies they got in today, that we were NOT going to get one because they WERE indeed NOT the cute, tiny little bundles of fur that I saw on the internet. BUT... after HOLDING Cleo... and her velvet fuzz squishing through my fingers while her tiny little nose waddled around on her face like a little spring duckling... I just... I didn't CARE that she was a LITTLE ginORMOUS for a BABY rabbit. We JUST clicked. And then there was Brooklyn... smitten. Totally smitten. And Boston is going to do a cartwheel when he comes on Monday. That bunny is going to be spoiled like 10 day old cabbage.

So I just took the plunge before I could turn back. They gave me a BOX to keep her in on the ride home. haha... RIGHT. Brooklyn held her in her car seat the entire way... and Cleo didn't seem to mind too much.

"I love her better than Nochio..." She said when she got home. (K. THAT is like a HUGE deal). And a few hours ago she said, "I love her better than the rap." Or RAT. Whatever...

So now if we can just get CLEO to love her as much...

I lost the poor thing practically RIGHT away. I went to help Brooklyn in the bathroom and said, "Charkley... watch Cleo!" And I'll have you know I came back and that bunny had disappeared. "Where did she go!?" Yawn. "CHARKLEY- sniff her out! Go!" Yawn. Sneeze. Dance. (Dance= pet me Mom... hold me.. give me a treat... and i'm ignoring your quest to find the replacement animal). UGH! So I started calling Cleo... "Cleo.. ClEO!!! Here bunny bunny! Wanna CARROT, bunny bunny?? PLEASE COME OUT BUNNY! WHERE ARE YOU?" Yeah. Not really the answering type. A little on the SILENT type.. So I started moving couches, chairs, looking behind pianos...

When I gave up and stopped griping at Charkley for being the WORST watch dog EVER... Charkley WENT to the rug where we'd been playing with the bunny, sniffed, sneezed, then walked over to the ONLY place in my entire house I hadn't ram-sacked. He yawned, sneezed again, and laid down STARING at the air conditioner. (A little stand up thing we put in the red room). AND there she was curled up asleep behind the thing. I thumbed Charkley in the butt, and took the rabbit BACK to HER room.

She's already warming up to us. I was a little discouraged at first since she kept running and hiding every time I put her down. But I think she's getting less afraid. Of me. Probably MORE afraid of Brooklyn. BUT I'm working with Brooklyn. She'll be alright EVENTUALLY. And I found out those little bb pellets are Cleo's poop. I thought they were part of her Fiesta Mix Bunny Food. They are WAY smaller than the poop I used to find in my back yard. And so I'm newspaper training her. So far... so good... well... on MY end. Cleo- not so much.

I wouldn't want my life to get all dull and boring... I have to keep spicing it up with random things to keep my family going a LITTLE crazy. THIS outta do it! (Just ask my hubby!)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

All Dolled Up

OF COURSE, as soon as I need to do my make-up STARLING has to shave his face. And we are STILL using ONE bathroom because our Master Bath is STILL not complete... though Starling has been working on it so HOPEFULLY I'll have it before CHRISTMAS. ANyWAY- I put on my war paint in the kitchen. I left it for JUST a SECOND to get Brooklyn's shoes (as we were about to LEAVE) and when I came back... BROOKLYN was just putting the finishing touches to HER face. Doesn't red lip stick look FAB on a TWO year old.

AND for the record... I do NOT wear that lip liner. (EXCEPT for RARE occasions like Halloween and uh.. dress up)).

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Life as we Know it

Sooo I'm trying to set the record for Mastitis occurrences following the birth of a single baby. What number am I on? Oooh... number FOUR. And my baby is almost 4 months old. So I guess Mastitis is replacing my monthly period. Hmmm… I don’t know that I like the trade. But we all KNOW a lady can't EXIST without bodily dysfunctions... if she DID she would cease to be a female. (And I’ll take ALL my sick and feeling icky over being a smelly, hairy BOY).

AND, not to be outdone, Brooklyn has yet ANOTHER ear infection. She's totally smokin me in the ailments department... she's in her TEENS with ear infections. The poor little Squirt was MU-OOO-DEEE yesterday.. and when Boston showed up and she didn't immediately melt into his arms and start giggling like a yippidy hyena, I knew SOMETHING wasn't quite right. But then… she’d cheer up when Boston did something funny. THEN she’d come sit on my lap and say, “I just want to HOLD you.” Yeah. She doesn’t want to HOLD me when Boston is here. She couldn’t care less if I’m even in the same STATE when Boston is here. So I said, “What hurts?” And she said, “I hurt my EEA-er.” She wouldn’t let me touch it OR look too close at it, but when I held her down and attempted to move her hair that wouldn’t BUDGE because it was glued to the side of her face with gunky, orangey white PUSS (which is the NASTIEST word in the English vocab if you ask ME) I knew her eardrum had busted. AGAIN. And the girl HAS TUBES. So once the ear drum busted she cheered up a bit.. the pressure being released.

I tried to call her in some antibiotics but NOoO… ‘I have to take her IN’. Well… at least I got some antibiotics for ME without having to go pay $100 bucks to see MY doctor. So I took the kiddos to PetSmart to look at animals (which they LOVED) and we told Boston farewell and headed to the doctor. I told Brooklyn that she’d get a sticker. You would have thought I’d told her she was going to get her legs amputated. She bolted upright, her eyes tried to hop out of their sockets, and she began frantically saying, “I don’t want them to pinch my finger! I don’t want them to pinch my finger!” She’d be referring to them PRICKING her finger to test her hemoglobin (which is LOW like MINE- she’s getting ALL my good genes). Then the nurse who pricked her said, “You’re okay. Here’s a sticker.”

So- in retrospect- a sticker may NOT be the motivating word to use when trying to reassure Brooklyn the doctor is FUN! She was whimpering the entire walk to the doctor’s office with BOTH her hands protectively stuffed in her armpits. When the nurse took us back Brooklyn was shaking like a McDonald’s salt shaker and telling the nurse, “But I don’t want to! I don’t WANT you to pinch my finger.” The nurse, having NO clue what Brooklyn was talking about, said the magic words, “But after you let us check you out… you’ll get a STICKER!” This sent Brooklyn over the top. Her tear ducts opened wide and her little lips went to quivering. I forewarned the doctor of Brooklyn’s anxiety, so she was EXTRA nice and took time talking to Brooklyn BEFORE giving her ear a yank.

Just as Brooklyn was opening up and answering the doctor’s questions about liking her baby brother and wearing a pretty purple flower in her hair… the doctor said, “Well- I need to look in your ear REAL quick.” Brooklyn turned pale but didn’t RUN from the doctor. In two seconds she’d examined both ears and chipper as a spring songbird announced, “YOU’VE got MONKEY POOP in your ears!” Now this was comical and a fabulous attempt at bringing a smile to Brooklyn’s face. BUT- we ARE talking about the kid that freaks out when GRASS touches her FEET. She looked utterly and completely HORRIFIED. “Monkey poop??!!” She asked, almost hysterical. “I want you to get it OOOUUTT!!” So the doctor wrote her some special “letters” so that she could get the magic potion that would clean out the monkey poop. Needless to say… I’ve had NOOO problems getting her to take her medicine or putting drops in her ear. SO THANK you, Dr. Myers. We normally see Stanford, but we sure appreciated seeing her. SUPER good with kids. And when Dr. Myers finished up she told Brooklyn, “You were SUCH a big girl!” and Brooklyn turned to me and said, “And I’m gonna get a STICKER!!!”

Today, on our antibiotics, we are BOTH feeling peachy. Brooklyn helped me make Banana Pudding. Starling helped us eat it. (That is RIGHT… it was edible. Actually turned out RATHER scrumptious… of course HOW can you really screw up bananas, cookies, and instant pudding?) I’ll tell you how… you accidentally buy the COOK kind of pudding. But I made CERTAIN that THIS time the package said INSTANT.

And NOW Brooklyn wants me to roll over so she can ‘lasso my bum.’ WHICH, translated, means BEAT me with a ROPE she found in her Daddy’s shed and scream at the rope to “PULL STRAIGHT!!” When I gave her a look, her voice turned sugary sweet and about 6 octaves higher, “You need to pull straight, honey…” I’m SOO glad she has SOO many toys. When I walk in on Brooklyn playing, she is usually holding a ROPE, a TaPE MEASURE, a HERMONICA, or a GUITAR.

When I drug out ALL the Barbies I brought home from my parents house THRILLED to have a little girl to play with them again, Brooklyn said, “The Barbie wants to be an AIRPLANE.” And that was that… She took ONE Barbie and it flew around like Superman until she grew bored with that and asked if the Barbie could throw the ball with her. She helped it throw a SOCCER ball fairly well… But the Barbie couldn’t catch so well. The ball splattered the Barbie which Brooklyn thought was HILARIOUS.

And NOW Brooklyn is running around blabbering random things I can’t understand. I FINALLY caught ON when I realized she’d turned Pinnochio to Spanish mode and, since she has the entire movie MEMORIZED in ENGLISH, is now finding joy in memorizing it in SPANISH. Starling plans to do this with all her favorite cartoons. He said it’ll teach her Spanish. I hope he’s right. It sure hasn’t taught me anything. They need to have a SLOW-MODE. While I’m trying to translate one Spanish word, two scenes have already passed. Pin-o-cho is a REALLY cute Spanish boy, though.

And then there is my angel boy Brighton. He’s become QUITE the handful. NOT in a bad way, exactly. He is just so MOBILE for an almost four month old. I’ve rescued him TWICE today from jumping off the couch and a hundred THOUSAND times from eating the floor. He rolls onto his stomach EVERY time I lay him down. I don’t know WHY because he HATES being on his stomach after about 6 squeals of delight.. and he can NOT roll back onto his back. SOOO he gets frustrated and starts grumbling. When he shouts, “Ma! Ma!” I roll him back… and then four seconds later I roll him back over again. But I can’t imagine him EVER being able to crawl with his JOLLY FAT self… But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get where he’s going… he’s NEVER where I left him. Good thing he’s LOUD so I don’t forget about him… No more sitting him on the couch or leaving him to play by himself. He’s still content to DO so… but I have to keep moving him back to SAFETY. And every time I have to move him, he giggles… so then I CAN’T just go back to what I was doing… I have to spend thirty minutes with a camera stuck in his face trying to catch the perfect grin. AND then he starts COOING so I have to VIDEO for another thirty minutes. And by the time he either decided he is hungry or falls asleep HALF the day is gone and I’ve only done one load of laundry. BUT… my chores will be there TOMORROW! MY BABY won’t be this EDIBLE and PRECIOUS forever! He’ll turn into a teenager in only 12 years and 8 months! YIKES… I shouldn’t think of those types of things… it makes me nauseous.

My mom just got here to entertain my babies so I’M going to take this opportunity to CLEAN!! Or… facebook…

Friday, September 2, 2011

#2 You Know Your Husband Loves You...

You Know Your Husband Loves You....

1. When you tell him you want to give away ALL your animals because you just don't have the energy to BATHE them, CLEAN up after them, FEED them, or TOUCH them! AND then the next day you HAUL your confused husband to the pound because you've found a FRIEND for your dog and you've FALLEN in LOVE with it!

2. When your husband talks you OUT of paying $100 for a cute dog at the pound and gotten you to agree that you have enough animals only to find you researching how to litter box train a pet rabbit.

3. When he doesn't comment after you have a "heart to heart" health talk SUGGESTING he lay off the sweets as he notices you've eaten over half a gallon of ice cream by YOURSELF in three days.

4. When you ask him how you look in your outfit and he honestly proclaims, "Ummm... if I were a different person.. ruder.. or RUSS (aka his BROTHER) I'd say, 'Dang girl! Get a shirt that FITS!.'

5. When he spends two hours cleaning the pool and you tell him, "Its just too HOT to swim..."

6. When he always orders more food than you want him to because he knows you'll eat TWICE as much as you THINK you will. (And he doesn't want to have to share HIS portion with your monstrous appetite).

7. When he doesn't flip as he moves the picture you so PROUDLY hung all by YOURSELF, and he sees the six nail holes you've planted in the sheetrock he hung and painted.

8. When he remains calm when you say, "The lawn mower won't crank. And the gas seemed kind of black when I put it in." He just calmly informs you that you've mixed up the weed-eater fuel and gasoline.

9. When he gives you praise for a job well done when he sees you've weed-eated. He doesn't mention the other planted vegitation that has been brutally masacred or the monkey-grass now rocking a crew-cut.