Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Trapped. An all new LOW.

Asking a complete stranger to help you can be difficult. It's always a little intimidating depending on the direness of the situation. When you have to WAVE down a fellow EXCERCISER at the GYM, because you have somehow managed to TRAP yourself on the Leg CURL machine, there are NO WORDS.

I can NOT be the only one who has done that. PLEASE,( if I am), let me believe someone else has slammed the leg pad over their lap and pressed it down nice and tight so their butt wouldn't lift as they curled their legs. And WOOPS, realized their legs were a TAD bit too fat to have pressed it ALL the way to the #1 clicker and NO amount of YANKING the little peg thingy on the side would RELEASE them.

Ugh.. I was already having issues before I even WENT to the gym. You SEEEE- when I stopped breastfeeding Boeing on command from my doctor because I was 108 pounds (which is totally HOT if you are into skeletons), my butt doubled in size and my boobs went into hiding. All the clothing hanging in my closet are for stick figures with huge breasts, easily accessible for a nursing baby. OH why haven't I gone SHOPPING for new clothes? WITH all that FREE time I have with SIX kids? I know. I'm a slacker.

Well I haven't bought ONE single new item of clothing for myself in.... I honestly can't remember. Since before I stopped nursing. For sure.

Anyway- to DESTINATION "where I am GOING" with this. I put on my normal shorts and t-shirt. (And padded bra, because the best way to make your stomach look smaller is to have boobs BIGGER than your stomach. Without the padded bra, I think mine are about tied). And I left for the gym. I noticed IMMEDIATELY on my walk from vehicle to gym doors that my shorts had shrunk about two sizes. (Yeah. THAT's what happened. WINK WINK..). And so I was already having to tug at my forever riding up shorts. I passed the mirrors on my way to the machines and did a double take at the little dents in the back of my legs under my butt. WHEN did THOSE things get there?? AND how do I make them LEAVE??

Even though I hadn't worked out my arms in a while, I decided noodle arms could string along for another day. I wanted whatever nasty on my legs to DISSIPATE. So I set off to commit leg suicide. I worked those suckers hard. I even broke a sweat. All was good until I got on that stupid leg curl machine.

A lot of interesting thoughts went through my head as I sat, literally SQUISHED into the machine.

#1- OUCH! Too tight! Toooo TIGHT!

#2- WHY is this dang thing NOT releasing?!? People are starting to stare!

#3- I didn't know my legs expanded so far out when the fat is all squished down like that.

#4- Oh my. I'm trapped! I'm really trapped!!!

#5- Don't panic. You aren't in imminent danger- (interruption of self thought)- EXCEPT losing BOTH legs for lack of BLOOD FLOWWW!

#6- MAKE eye contact with SOMEBODY!!

#7- WHY won't anyone LOOK AT ME! STOP looking away people! You keep glancing! Don't you see the TERROR in my EYES!!


I tried to shimmy my way out of the lap band, but let's face it. My legs were already turning white. There was no escaping. I finally caught some dude's eye and started waving at him frantically. He of course, hurriedly looked away.

"Hey! Um, Mister!"

He glanced up and then TURNED his back on me.

"Excuse me! Can you HELP me... I'm STUCK!"

NOT a proud moment for me. Rather a low point amongst all points, I'd say.

"I'm being serious, Mister Sir. I'm trapped! PLEASE. Can you just get this thing OFF me?"

I guess he decided that I wasn't going to stop pleading until he actually freed me, so he trotted over with a definite expression of, "please. For all genetic purposes. Do NOT let this woman procreate."

(HA. Jokes on him).

It took him SEVERAL tries and he had to FURTHER squish my legs to finally pull the pin out enough that I could climb out. It was fine, though. It didn't hurt. My legs had already fallen completely numb.

He was GONE before I could even thank him. Not that I minded. One doesn't really want to stare into the eyes of judgment when she's banging the blood flow back into her legs.

I hadn't done my squats yet, but for some reason I felt like I had put myself through enough pain for one day.