Rat Race

Dear BLOG,

Right this minute I feel like throwing a royal tantrum and screaming, "I am SICK of FEEEEEDING and CLEANING CHILDREN!!! " If even HALF the portion of food that lands on the table, floor, and CLOTHES of my children ever ventured into their MOUTHS, I could probably skip 6th meal.

 Oh. And I want to burn all the dirty laundry.

 And I ALREADY ate my ice cream for the DAY! And my popcorn. And had my NAP. And let's face it. Singing Kumbaya at the top of my lungs only helps so much. Personal time-outs only work if they are actually PERSONAL!

 And WHY do we have WINDOWS in EVERY ROOM IN OUR HOUSE including BATHROOMS?? There is NOOOO where to hide! Me exiting a room is equivalent to me saying, "BET YOU CAN'T FIND ME!!" And it's a definite race. And they, the children, ALWAYS win. THANK goodness for Friday DATE night! But it is SUNDAY. NOT THURSDAY. I'm. Gonna. Die.     

I think I need to join a group called "Parents Anonymous" and I need to go to weekly meetings and hear other parents say, "My child made blue Kool-Aid on my tan kitchen rug, too."

And maybe one to say, "My one year old also enjoys stacking ice chests, bicycles, and potty chairs on top of each other to reach my personal belongs and then promptly destroys them."

And I need volunteers to say THESE things to Me, Also:

"Your seven year old had the opportunity to take four of his favorite things to school and he took YOUR t.v. remote that you use to home school your OTHER children? TOTALLY happened to me." (Not bc he loves watching tv... he loves pretending remotes control robots. We only have 30 other remotes that serve no purpose to me).

"Wait, you home school AND have kids in public school?? So I'm NOT the only psychotic crazy person in this world?? SOOO good to know!"

"Your one year old grabbed your personal little zipper pouch out of your purse in the middle of a church you were VISITING, ran from you, and tried to eat your tampons? In front of everyone?! Happens to me ALL the time!"

"So, you ACTUALLY tried to take a Sunday afternoon nap. In your house. With your kids THERE. You are SUCH a BRAVE SOUL! And your house didn't burn down? All they did was trash every SINGLE room in the matter of 30 minutes and turn your deep cleaned house into a deep cleaned memory? Oh sweetie. They were all still alive when you woke up. You have amazing children."

"You are seriously WORRIED about the kid bathroom smelling like a permanent TERD because no matter HOW many times you tell the boys to flush, they NEVER remember?? Just know, they'll take a bath later, flood the entire bathroom and you'll have to mop. At the end of the day, it'll smell like Pine saw. Oh come on. It's better than terd."

Maybe I need to write myself little cheer leader notes like I used to do for Starling when we were dating.

I can put one on my milk jug.

"Good morning!!! This represents the FIRST feeding!!! You only have to do this FOUR MORE TIMES TODAY!"

My dishwasher: "Fill her up sister! You know if you don't get all the dishes washed after breakfast, with 8 people eating, you won't have enough dishes for lunch! Keep up the good work!"

My dish rags: "I know your table and counters will only stay wiped down approximately 30 minutes until snack time, but won't that be a PERFECT 30 min. view? It's worth it! REALLY!"

My meal calendar: "You are right. The children are going to BEG to eat cereal or spagetti o's instead of this 45 minute prepped meal. But After you FORCE them to eat their vegetables and have successfully dealt with 6 tantrums, you will feel like SUCH. A. Good. MOM."

MY Pile of clean laundry: "I know the kids will throw all the folded clothes around the room later tonight when you THINK they are sleeping, but will really be playing some imaginative game, and then, put them all the dirty clothes hamper when you tell them to clean up their room tomorrow, but a tenth of the clothes WILL actually get WORN first. You go GIRL!"

I feel like my life is a rat's exercise wheel. And I'M THE RAT.

But I feel such joy when I successfully teach the kids something! I can at least feel like the KNOWLEDGE I bestow upon them lasts.

Like the other day. We saw a giant bird flying through the sky and all the children yelled, "Look! An EAGLE!!"

"That, my dears, is not an eagle. It's a buzzard. " Twenty min lesson on buzzards and eating road kill.

"Any questions?"

"And when it grows UP it will be an EAGLE?"

My poor pillow. I've about screamed a hole through it.