Gym Fail. AGAIN.

My inability to imitate choreographed sequences never ceases to amaze me.

This morning I went to the gym. I decided to "mix" things up a bit. Add some flare to my routine. Really INTENSIFY  my butt burn.

After I did my normal weighted squats and lunges, I decided to try the popular "burpees."

Because I'm not "down" with exercise terminology and certainly oblivious to how these umm "burpees" work, I looked them up on my phone and attempted to mimic a chic with rock solid abs and a butt so firm you could chop wood on it.

Basically you are supposed to squat, bounce into a push up, bounce back to a squat and jump up in the air. And the exercise is supposed to be a pretty swift, quick movement repeated ten times. For the first set.

I was immediately reminded of my time in my high school's show choir. I was that girl that had to stay late nearly EVERY day for "tutoring." (Give me a beat and I can dance ALL day long... choreograph that beat and I'm a flippin' lost cause). I have about as much balance as a one legged penguin. And throw in some unnatural movements (which was pretty much EVERY show choir movement), and I'm wobbling and teetering and doing the chicken dance while everyone else is doing synchronized ballet. But I persevered in high school and learned my dances. Mostly.

I never landed on my head when I got thrown in the air. (Well, not during a performance anyway). But I only have talented dance partners to credit for THAT.

I realized, quite rapidly, that doing burpees was a sequence of dance moves I should have conquered WELL in advance of entering a gym audience. No one in the gym ever pays any attention to other people unless they DRAW attention to themselves in some horrific act of self-deprecation.  So, naturally, that's what I DID.

It was bad enough when three other people dropped mats near my mat. (Not that I needed a MAT- I just wanted to look the part).

I decided to shoot for the stars and maybe land on the moon. (But all I got was stuck in the top of a cactus).  I revved up real tall and mentally yelled, "GO!" My brain may have heard, but my legs, as always, were about 3 beats off rhythm.   

I don't know what I actually LOOKED like while I hopped into a squat, at which point gravity propelled me flat on my butt. (I'm assuming GRACEFUL wasn't it). Determined not to fail, I tried again. It was a very SLOOOW motioned squat to push up. But it looked relatively normal. (For a complete amateur beginner compared to video girl).

Now, let's be clear. Everyone reaches their point of utter humiliation. I, apparently, take LONGER than others to reach this point, but even I HAVE a point. I tried to POP back into a squat. THAT is when I reached the POINT.

When I tried the seemingly effortless  POP up, it became realistically appalling! BOTH my tennis shoes FLEW off my feet. ONE of the shoes narrowly missed, within INCHES, conking the head of the chic doing perfect crunches beside me. I don't know if she realized her face was almost obliterated by a New Balance, but she certainly noticed I'd lost my shoes.

That was the point of retreat for me. I called it quits, deciding some exercises should be left to the professionals. Or to the closed curtained bedroom.

THIS is why my butt is never going to be a brick. It's going to always be an over ripe cantaloupe. With bruises. Because GRAVITY is not my friend. And if you can successfully DO a burpee, do go eat a cookie. BECAUSE you FRICKIN' deserve IT!