Nasty-Fi-Cu-ROCIOUS!!

Today has been a nasty day. And I mean that literally, not metaphorically. I don't mean, "I woke up with my hair greased to my forehead, showered, then had a bad hair day..." I mean nasty like GROSS, DISGUSTING, MAKE you wanna grab hold of a toilet and VOMIT. RepeATEDLY.

The day started normal enough. Hayden and Colton stayed with us last night and so they cheerfully pulverized each other on some Wii game. Brooklyn was on my heels whining for chocolate milk. Starling was on the phone. Brighton was intently watching a baseball game. ALL normal.

Well... I went and mowed. The boys went and swam. Starling... stayed on the phone... and "watched" Brooklyn and Brighton. I noticed, as I approached my front door, that there was a fowl stench that APPEARED to my NOSE hairs to be freshly squeezed DOG POOP. Of COURSE. Who KNOWS which dog pooped there because there is a different pack of dogs planting seeds in my yard every DAY. I walked into to my house which did NOT smell like dog poop.

Starling went outside with the boys and took over the inside children. After Hayden and Colton left that mouth watering STENCH was lingering INSIDE my house. Starling said, "Uh... it smells like a dog took a DUMP in here... I didn't notice it until I leaned over to pick up those sleeping bags." THAT is when it ALL started. The NASTY.

Starling wiffed his shoes. "UGHGUGH! Its on my SHOE!" Fabulous. Where all had he WALKED? The kitchen, the living room, the pantry, the Red Room (or den- whatever people call it)... The whole front of our house was REAKING!! I told Starling the only solution was mopping.

About that time Brighton started trying to break out of his swing, which he was successfully doing with his giNORMOUS legs. (Seriously... if he could STAND up... he'd be able to pick ME up. His legs are MASSIVE and STRONG). I assumed he was hungry so I slapped him against my chest and continued yapping at Starling about random dogs always leaving surprises in our yard. "THAT is why I have a MIDGET dog that lays TINY terds so I don't HAVE to tiptoe around my front yard hoping not to step on a land mine." Starling sweetly tuned me out and started working on the sink which has been giving me FITS! EVERY TIME I run water in ONE side of the sink, the OTHER drain fills up. (AND IT ISN'T CLEAN water!) It coughs up all the residue off my dirty dishes and LEAVES it in the sink while the water lazily escapes the drain. Its disgusting! And I throw a tantrum EVERY time I use the sink... even if I'm home alone! So NATURALLY Starling wanted to fix it.

But I wasn't done talking about dog poop. "UCK! Did you WIPE your shoes on the couch?? It smells FUROCIOUS over here... like my EYES are BURNING." And that's when the 2nd NASTY happened. The smell was so close to my nose that it could have been chilling on my upper lip. "What the...?" I asked as I glared at my ORANGE, seedy hand. AND then my MOIST, hot sticky, LEG. It was POOP alright... and it was EVERYWHERE!! "BRIGHTON finally POOPED!" I announced to Starling, who still had me on MUTE and didn't even acknowledge my great and dreadful news. (Brighton's been blocked up for about a week... but today was the day of unclogging... and he got it ALL out. And there was a LOT of poop. And it smelled RANCID). I carried my joyful little man the best I could without letting him TOUCH me... though WHY I bothered, I have no idea.. if I had just opened his diaper and wallowed in it... I don't think I would have been MORE covered than I already was. I laid him on his cute little WHITE changing table. He grinned and gleefully began kicking his legs. AS he ALWAYS does when he gets excited. And diaper changes EXCITE him. So ORANGE poop, the consistency of tomato soup before water is added, starts SPLATTERING at ME, the WALL, and of course every where white. And THAT was before I even OPENED the diaper. I strategically opened it and set it ALL the way in the corner so Brighton couldn't reach it. But GUESS what? That little SUMO scooted as FAST as he could scoot and PLOPPED his FOOT RIGHT into the pile of goo. "AHH!" I squealed as I Jackie Chan grabbed his leg to keep him from making orange foot prints anywhere. Brooklyn, who had heard my initial commotion when I discovered I was covered in the heinous semi-solid, liquid, was now standing on the OPPOSITE side of the room MORTIFIED asking in the SAME voice that chic on JURASSIC PARK used when a T-REX started sniffing her face, "Mommy??? You got POOPS?" And she kept repeating that question, each time in a more intense, SHRILL voice until I thought a chip munk was about to pop out of her vocal cord. Not being able to resist I asked her, "Brooklyn do you want to throw this diaper away for me?" She took a stepped forward until she SAW the overflowing, saturated diaper. "Noooo..." She half whispered, half shrieked. And then hysteria started bubbling in her eyes as she beheld her baby brother. "Ooohhh.... Bry... Bry..." She emphatically began shaking her head and backing up, both her hands covering her mouth, her eyes welling with tears... Seriously. You would've thought he was covered in blood.

I stripped the kid, plopped him in the bathtub, hosed him down, then bathed him, washed all the spots I could find of poop on me... then heard Starling say, "OH CRAP."

Note to reader: Crap is our curse word of choice when things go terribly awry. And when Starling says it... USUALLY disaster has struck.

This was no exception. I rushed into the kitchen where I'd left my darling husband performing a seemingly simple task of SNAKING our drain. This is when the THIRD NASTY occurred. My eyes and stomach witnessed the monstrosity simultaneously almost causing me to ADD to the black SLUDGE COVERING our kitchen floor with a nice topping of PUKE. I just stood there wondering how the heck I had PEEVED KARMA off. I snapped to attention and rescued my kitchen rug and grabbed an old towel. Starling was mopping it up instantly. "I called for you to check the drain!" he told me. "I'm sorry," I snapped, "I was busy being covered in POOP!" He told me he couldn't find major blockage when he ran the snake DOWN. SO? He did an "experiment."

NOTE TO READER: Starling's "experiments" usually result in a HUGE disaster, but DO essentially FIX the problem.

So- even though I rolled my eyes, I was certain he'd successfully found the debris. (AND the evidence ALL over the FLOOR was pretty convincing, too). He'd CLIMBED on top of the roof with our WATER HOSE. APPARENTLY there is a VENT up there for the plumbing. (I've never heard of such in my life, but I also just discovered there is something in cars called a CARburetor SOOO I wasn't ALL that shocked to learn something new). Starling, and his SCIENTIST SELF, let water run into the vent to see if the water went straight down or bubbled up. It bubbled up, showing it was blocked by something. I don't know what happened next, but Starling somehow REMOVED the blob causing the hold up and my sink's drain performed a beautiful rendition of Niagra Falls. (This is what I was supposed to be WATCHING for).

I finally registered Brooklyn's AGAIN mortified expression. The kids been officially TRAUMATIZED today. She got teary eyed AGAIN and said, "Oooooh YUCK... DADDY... WHY did you...?" Her little voice trailed off. And of course she didn't want me going NEAR it. "NOOO!!" She screamed in horror every time I went towards the "YUCK." And then she spotted the GLOB.

The glob was the size of a cat. Heck...it could've BEEN a cat! (Though I REALLY hope not since I use that water to run my dishWASHER). Again... I could NOT resist, "Brooklyn, can you help Daddy and carry THAT to the TRASH?" She got so pale I thought she'd faint. Instead she ran out of the room screaming, "NO! No! I don't WANNA touch the YUCK!" (Come to think of it... maybe Karma is avenging my poor Brooklyn). ANYWAY. SOOOoo, after Starling successfully MASTERED his task of de-clogging the drain... he had somewhere he had to be. "SO," he yells to me as he walks out the door, "I need you to clean that up... make sure you use a tooth brush on all those grooves so you get ALL the residue." WOW. And then he popped his head back in, "And I'm taking the Bronco and Trailer so now would be a good time for you to mow the side yard."

As I approached my doomed lot in life, I laughed under my breath at the irony of me CLEANING my CLEANING supplies... which had all been under the sink when they got brutally sloshed by the foul liquid smelling like a delicious mixture of rotten EGG and cow MANURE. Then of course I had to MOP. AND before I was even GETTING to the mopping portion of my NASTY day, I hear Brooklyn yelling, "Poop! Poop! Poop!" while FRANTICALLY bolting down the hallway to the bathroom.

NOTE TO READER: You know how "THEY" say bad things happen in THREES? Well don't hold your BREATH or take that as a PROMISE. "THEY" obviously have a DIFFERENT saying on NASTY.

In her MAD rush to get ON the potty, Brooklyn forgot to take her panties off so she had to Climb OFF the potty and start again. She got her panties off but terds started escaping before she got positioned on the potty again.. THREE to be exact. They plopped onto the bathroom rug. DANG! I yelled at Karma, whoever THAT is, "WHAT DID I DO!? It's not like I KILLED SOMEBODY!"

And my reward for all the NASTY?? I have a story to blog about. THAT's IT. AND I guess... a mopped kitchen.