Body Tweekage

My body is officially WIGGING out. I can't sleep at night, I can't stay awake during the day, I can't stand up without holding on to something, I'm having heat WAVES(not FLASHES), and random back spasms that feel like labor pains. (And if you've never experienced back labor, you should be told that it SUCKS!) AND I'm STILL having my monthly psycho, crazy breakdowns. I've thought a lot about it and the ONLY explanation I can come up with? Menopause. At 24.

My body is as dead as a corpse at night. I don't think it is even possible to be MORE tired than I am when I flop into bed. So why don't I sleep in a restful bliss? Well- maybe its the newborn... NOOOO... Brighton is snoring peacefully in his crib. The crazy two year old that kicks non-stop and wakes up screaming, "NOOOO MOMMY! DON'T CLIMB THE POTTY!"? Noooo... she's conked out, too. Is it that HUSBAND and his horrid habit of YANKING my pillow out from under my head to add to the SIX pillows on HIS side of the bed? Believe it or not, I'm already WIDE awake when I feel my pillow being confiscated. Is it Charkley, that perfect little fur-ball that has to be touching me at all times no matter HOW many times I kick him off the bed? NOPE. Its my stinking BRAIN... With all the doctors out there, you'd think one of them would've come up with a Brain OFF-SWITCH. I lay there with my eyes closed and its all dark in there with my eyes... but I can SEE the DARK swirling behind my eye lids. Its the most obnoxious thing EVER. I can FEEL the swirl, too! Kind of in my gut like when driving over a big hill. And then when I try to make myself think of NOTHING... my stubborn, rebellious brain throws HOARDS of garbage at me.

Last night I FINALLY fell asleep and had the most AWFUL dream imaginable. FIRST of all I looked pregnant again, but it wasn't a baby in there... it was a tumor that was eating all my nutrients and was going to kill me. As if THAT wasn't bad enough, I went to the "hospital" which looked more like a dungeon made of steel, where I was drugged and paralyzed and watched my two babies be SOLD to some couple that wanted them. It was so REAL and I could NOT wake up. When Brighton started crying (in REAL life) I started crying, too. (In real life) because I THOUGHT he was crying in my dream. And Brooklyn was HYSTERICAL in my dream saying, "I jus WANT my MOMMY!" FINALLY Brighton's whining grew louder and something heavy (kind of like Starling's ARM) wacked me. I woke up panting, chest heaving, tears and snot EVERYWHERE. Then I fed Brighton, curled up with him on my bed and decided I would NEVER complain about my children's whining EVER AGAIN.

I was so drowsy that I fell asleep immediately and my DREAM picked RIGHT back up! And then I thought I'd dreamed myself waking up with my kids and REALLY my nightmare was reality. It was TERRIBLE!!

I woke up today in a fog, EMOTIONALLY exhausted on top of just tired. But I got up anyway determined to CLEAN my house while Brooklyn and Boston giggled running room to room. My head would randomly spin and I'd catch the wall.. or chair... OR FLOOR. So then I gave up and just laid down on the couch and watched them play... which was actually more entertaining than cleaning ANYway. I felt better after a bit, besides my back spasming.. which I have NO idea the cause... I probably worked out wrong since I'm CLUELESS in the gym STILL.

And the heat waves. OH my dear SWEAT glands. I'm not a sweater by nature... Even when I work out.. a little glisten... not so much pouring fluids. But LATELY I'll just have a wave of SMOLDERING HOT come over me and its all I can do not to fling off all my clothes and stand in the refrigerator! (Unless I'm at home in which case I often DO strip down and stand under the cold shower, stick my head in the freezer, or turn the air to sixty in my bedroom and lay under the fan. Thank GOODNESS we finally got blinds. And thank goodness I can't fit in the fridge). Well...Sunday I was at CHURCH on the STAND about to lead the music and I promise I felt like the desert came and SAT on my lap. I started flapping the hymnal at my head which did NOTHING but work my arm which probably caught more of me on fire. I looked to my left and asked, "Am I smoking?" Nope. AND everyone else was quite comfortable. And that is saying something with all the men in suits and ties with suit jackets on. I was only in a very thin skirt and thin shirt. The draft ALONE should have kept me cooler than everyone ELSE. But I was simmering like the wick on a fire cracker. I was racking my brain of what clothing I could part with but couldn't figure out how to remove any undergarments without drawing attention to myself. I guess I need to go through all of this so I can empathize with my Grandma and her flashes... I won't ever poke fun at a stripping 70 year old again.

And to the gym I trotted EARLY today... like at SIX p.m. There is no swimming pool at 180 Fitness but you wouldn't know it if you saw me walk out of there! Except for the stench... chlorine usually doesn't smell as foul as the green FOG surrounding my PERFUSELY sweating body. Every time I finished a set of pushing my legs to NOT EVEN their MAX, I got so DIZZY I was holding onto the hand grips like I was free falling. I probably looked like one of those gamer kids at the arcade swaying in unison with the motion of their race car on the screen WHICH wouldn't NEARLY be as terrible if I WERE actually watching a screen instead of the faces of three really bulky dudes waiting to use the leg press.

AND THEN I had to go to WAL MART smelling like a hippo that just got done wallowing in fermented pond scum. I kept my arms VERY close to my sides and prayed no one would get too close. I got out of there in RECORD time. I ONLY bought what I went in for... frozen pasta, frozen garlic bread, and ice cream. YAY! We're feeding the missionaries tomorrow so I went gourmet. Starling said, "Don't you think you should COOK something... you know... from SCRATCH?" And I looked at him like he'd asked me to pull a rabbit from my nostril. "Don't YOU think I should cook something... you know... EDIBLE?" He thought about that... "Yeah... you should definitely let Stouffers make the pasta." The missionaries will thank me. TRUST me.

So NOW I'm all done eating my hamburger helper, canned corn, and canned green beans, and done eating a bag of GV BBQ chips, and am headed to the kitchen to find MORE food because I am RAVISHED! (I think that's a word).