Little Miss Muppet

Today MAY have been the longest day EVER. I got up before the chickens because I could NOT WAIT to go to my doctor’s appointment to see if my cervix had cooperated and I was going to get the go ahead to be induced Thursday.

I showed up at 8 (even though my apt wasn’t until 8:30) and the doctor had me crawling off the bed by 8:17. She said, “Well, you’re at a two but your cervix is still pretty thick.” (I’m sorry if you’re a male reader… you might want to skip the next paragraph). “Hmmm… hold on.” She dug so deep I swear her shoulder was the only thing hanging out of me. I was trying NOT to run, but natural instinct says NOTHING should be hijacking your innards like that and I was scooting ALL over that bed trying to get away from her. “HANG on!” She kept saying… But there was nothing to hang onto… no leather strap to bite down on… nothing. And she was still PUSHING and YANKING for quite an eternity before she finally stepped away from me. “I think that helped you out.” AGAIN. I guess if my cervix wasn’t ready… she uh.. MANUALLY readied it.

“So… we’re on for Thursday?” I whimpered. She nodded. “If you want Thursday, it’s yours. You’ll check in Thursday morning at 5:30 and we’ll get your meds in you and I’ll come around 7 to break your water.” Despite the fact that it felt like I was sitting on top of a bon-fire, I squealed. Yes, audibly squealed. Then the doctor put “the papers” in my hand. The induce go-ahead papers. I was NEVER that excited to get papers, not even my diplomas. “This is the greatest day of my LIFE!!” I exclaimed as I hopped off the bed, immediately regretted doing that, waddled bent over like a ninety-seven year old lady to the bathroom, and got dressed. I was SKIPPING down the hall.. which actually takes quite a lot of UMPH considering my weight (WHICH BY THE WAY was 147.. only ONE pound gained in the last week!)... and complete un-coordination.

I drove home and told Starling my big news and he was more stressed than excited, being totally swamped by school and trying to figure out how he’s going to finish it all by Thursday, but I don’t mind him being stressed. I’m selfishly having this baby ANYWAY.

I ran some errands and came back home and was about to kill over with exhaustion. Brooklyn saw me and skipped/ran up to me and said, “MOMMAY! I’m so gu-lad to see you to-day! I missed you!” It was eleven in the morning and I’m pretty sure she didn’t wake up until ten thirty. But none-the-less it made my day to have her little chubby arms wrapped around my neck and her little lips smacking kisses all over my face. “I lub you SOOO much, Mommay… I’m so gu-lad you are home.” She is the sweetest little tootsie roll on planet earth.
I heated up the scrumptious lasagna and bread that Elizabeth made us for dinner, we ate lunch, and I felt terrible about it, but I HAD to lay down. My eyes were drooping, my legs were jello, and I just couldn’t function anymore. “NO Mommay! Es not time for uh NA-AP! You hafta play wif Bu-rook-lyn!” And though my body was screaming, “NO… you HAVE to SLEEP!” I told Brooklyn, “Okay… I’ll play with Brooklyn for a little while, but THEN Mommy HAS to take a nap, okay?” She nodded. “Okay, Mommy.” And she ran to get some books. We read about six or seven books before she found a train book. We started reading it and in the middle of it she said, “THE E-END! Mommy! Want to go watch Thomas da TU-RAIN?!?” No. I didn’t. “YEAH! Let’s go!” I said as enthusiastically as I could muster. I turned it on and went and plopped on my bed. Starling TRIED to entertain Brooklyn WHILE writing his term paper and taking work calls. Finally, I got up deciding he REALLY needed to get his school work done and I wasn’t being very helpful by throwing our little chatter box on him.

So I asked Brooklyn if she wanted to go play outside. She ran and grabbed her “swim panties” and flew to her little swimming pool and started cooking me food with her kitchen and “dish-wish.” I stretched out on my lawn chair and sunned while she dumped water on me. It was only a thousand and seventy-two degrees. I drank two or three Chic-Fil-A thermos filled with water and was still DYING of thirst. Brooklyn, of course, didn’t want any of my nice, clean, out of the fridge water… she was drinking the POOL water. UCK.. don’t even want to THINK about drinking that mess… dogs swimming in it… well… enough said. A blade of grass that got soggy in her pool wrapped around her finger and you would have thought a snake had a hold of it. She slung her finger in my face SCREAMING, “AHHHH!!! Es YUCKY! AHHH! EWWW!!!” I kept telling her to stick her finger in the water and it would fall off, but she was having too big of a panic attack to listen to reason. She just kept flailing it and screaming. FINALLY one of her flails sent her finger under the water and it washed off. We went inside after that.

We made dinner, my childhood favorite… corn, pork-n-beans and weenies, mac-n-cheese, and fried okra. (Never a hard one to please…) Brooklyn devoured everything but the corn (bc corn makes her GAG- which is still BEYOND my comprehension since it is my FAVORITE food on earth). Then the neighbor kids came over for a while and finally I got them OUTSIDE my house to swing. Brooklyn didn’t want to play with them today and I made her because I didn’t want her cooped up inside. Eventually she had some fun.

Starling had a night class from eight to ten and he takes it online on our lap-top so I took Brooklyn to my mom’s house to get out of Starling’s hair. Of course, ten minutes there and I fall asleep. I woke up when my cousin called to let me know she was coming over to visit while I was there. I lifted my shirt up and we all played with Brighton for awhile. He was showing off all of his tricks. Shannon, my cousin, was jumping and squealing every time his butt stood up and his legs jutted out. Her husband, Steve, was wincing in pain FOR me and looked nauseous. He told me my stomach jumping around like that looks just like that alien movie. I have no idea what movie he was referring to, but I watch my stomach jut out and can imagine it would inspire plenty of horror flicks. It’s pretty creepy, not to mention TERRIBLY painful . But my mom wanted to video it so every time he WOULD settle down, which simply means moving slowly and less than an inch poking through my skin, she would rattle him up again so he’d stick his feet like THREE inches out of me until everyone could see the outline of his bones.

Well, as FUN as that WAS for ME, I finally had to call it quits to go PEE for the third time since I’d been there, a seemingly uneventful routine. WELL… it turned out to be QUITE a ta-do.

I plopped down on the toilet and let Niagara Falls free. As my hand is in limbo to pull some toilet paper off the roll, I freeze mid grab as my eyes behold a spider, and I do NOT exaggerate the size, COVERING the roll. It rivaled the size of my hand. The toilet paper isn’t all that far from the toilet. Honey, let’s just say I did the shake, shake and RUN while screaming at the TOP of my lungs. That spider could HAVE that toilet paper! What does everyone in the living room think? “OH MY GOSH!! YAY! DID your WATER just BREAK?”

“I WISH!!! AHHHH!!! THE HUGEST SPIDER EVER is CHASING ME!!!” And I do not lie… I attempted to walk AROUND the spider and he LEPT at me! I was cornered with no exit route. Shannon, assuming I was exaggerating the size of the MONSTROUS spider came in with her flip flop, took one look, gasped and said, “OOOH! Your own your own!” But she did throw her shoe to me. LIKE I’m getting CLOSE enough to that thing to KILL IT! So after they LEFT me in there to get eaten ALIVE for a good five minutes, Steve FINALLY says, “Am I going to have to squish it?” You THINK?? “YES!!” So without ANY regard to my location of TRAPPED in the corner, he SLINGS the shoe at the spider who DODGES the shoe and JUMPS towards ME. I climbed the wall, about BROKE my neck getting tangled in the shower curtain, completely took OUT the shower curtain, and was certain that dang spider was going to TOUCH me before I could get UNTANGLED. FINALLY, after several attempts, the spider was successfully squished. But did Steve MOVE the mound of crumpled guts? No. He left it in the middle of the walkway. I can’t very well step over it. Spiders are known for coming back to life. Especially in THAT bathroom… trust me… I lived there for EIGHTEEN years and had many a spider encounter. It’s actually AMAZING that I’ve lived to tell about them. BRUTAL spiders live out in Buzzard Bay (my Uncle Jack named his and my parents land that). Anyway- Steve finally moved the dead glob enough to the left that I could RUN past and get out of there.

So needless to say, my heart is STILL pounding and the entire way home every time my tag in the back of my shirt touched my neck, I’d jump to high heaven. Then I’d feel a crawly sensation on my foot and about BREAK my ankle trying to see if something was down there. Lucky I didn’t flip the dang van. I don’t do well with spiders. UGHGH… they are so CREEPY. And you are probably wondering why Starling doesn’t use spiders to scare me more often. WELL- he actually told me once that I freak out SOO much that he is honestly scared that I will have a heart attack if one ever does touch me. And that I’m liable to hurt myself or damage walls in the process of him playing a practical joke. Awww… he’s such a thoughtful dude.. I think if Starling flew through the sheet rock when I jump out at him, it would just make for a funnier story. But… that just shows he’s a thinker and I’m impulsive.