SURPRISE!!

Seriously. Have I ever mentioned that my husband is a NUT?? Well, if I DIDn'T- lET ME TELL YOU- he is a NUT!!

I am in Destin at the moment. My parents were insistent that I come down with them last Sunday. I packed up in 30 minutes and loaded up my babies and headed off with my parents. My cousin Shannon and her baby Madison were already here along with my Aunt and Uncle. We lolly gagged for four days mostly shopping the Good Wills and other thrift stores. Everyone was SUPPOSED to leave on Thursday. By Thursday I was DYING to see my husband. (I don't know why. I just gripe at him... but I guess I missed having someone to gripe at). Anyway, he called to see how I was, as he did every night. (He was missing my griping, too). I told him that I was coming home and would see him that night. Starling said, "Oh. Well, I thought I'd come down there for the weekend." Come down Friday night or Saturday MORNING and come home Sunday? That sounded dumb. Really dumb. Especially considering we'll be in Florida seven days for the Johnson Family Vacation at the end of July. The REAL reasons I wanted to come home... and they may seem totally lame... I just bought a GYM membership and I've worked out TWICE. Two times. Then I left for Destin. And I'm going to miss another week of exercise in two weeks. I'm one to get my dang money's worth. If I would have known I'd be GONE all month then I would have waited until August to start working out. The OTHER, and MAIN, reason I'm homesick... I miss the Spiers Family. The entire trip up I was texting Jessie and would have been FINE except they (HER fam AND the Spiers fam) were ALL together (which is probably the closest thing to uncensored, unrehearsed comedy you can GET), and having a BLAST. WITHOUT ME. And Lance didn't make me feel any better telling me what food they were chowing down on. Jack's Seafood. If you haven't been to Picayune or McNiel... take a trip JUST to visit that restaurant. Preston Spiers owns it and it is AMAZING!! (And I don't even LIKE fish but someone would have lost an arm if they'd tried to separate me from my plate of food when I ate there). ANYWAY- THAT wouldn't have been SO terrible, just saddening, except it was SUNDAY and I was STARVING to death but wouldn't stop and eat because I'm too prideful and Holier than Thou to break the Sabbath in front of my parents. (Or in general). SO. I was the cow on the other side of the fence coveting greener grass.

So I tried to get the Spiers to just bring the party to Destin BUT they wouldn't. (Or couldn't... but SHOULD'VE found a WAY). But I ended up having a great time with my fam. (They TOO are loony. Imagine that). AND I got to do my water aerobics in the pool... with about 30 people watching and wondering if I were drowning or just a terrible swimmer.

I ASKED Starling why he couldn't just come down Thursday. Because... he had SOOO much work to do Friday. Well.. why couldn't he LEAVE HAttiesburg AT five? BECAUSE he had to speak at some THING at church. COULDN'T they get someone ELSE to help? NOOOooo, he already committed and PLUS he really WANTED to do it. FINE. Then I should just come HOME Thursday. NOOO... Starling REALLY wanted to get out of Hattiesburg and relax after a hard week working 8-5 at his internship. For. Free. We can relax in our BACK YARD in our POOL AND we can have all our friends over. Nooo... Starling REEEALLY just needs a break OUT of town. Understandable with neighbor kids and clients that just show up at our house unannounced.

OH and the THIRD reason I was homesick was my LAPTOP. I left it for Starling to use for school and work and I couldn't BLOG. DO YOU KNOW how ANTSY I get without BEING able to BLOG??? I was like a crack addict trying to detox cold turkey. (NOT a pretty sight).

So ANYWAY I was trying to get a time line of WHEN Starling was going to show up and EVERY time I called he sounded REALLY rushed like he didn't have time to talk. AND THAT was if he even ANSWERED. I was getting REALLY annoyed. SO annoyed that when he finally called me back Thursday night I was NOT the SWEET little wife I should be. (Not that I'm ever a bowl of molasses but I'm at least a skittle). I was short with him and acted indifferent to his coming. He couldn't make time for me when "I" wanted to talk... then I would't make time for him. Hmph.

He told me he missed me and couldn't wait to see me. Okay. "Don't you miss ME?" he asked. I did. A LOT. Like I'd ADMIT that. "I guess." I'm very prideful and a tad bit on the grudge holding side... and stubborn, tactless... I won't go on with the REST of my endearing qualities. Anyway- he told me he loved me again and his phone was dying, then hung up. Hmph, I thought again. And OF COURSE FRIDAY he was running late. He said he'd leave Hattiesburg around 8 p.m. BUT of course it was TEN and not ONLY had he not LEFT... HE WAS TIRED! He'd have to take a nap. FABULOUS! I thought. He'll end up driving ALL night, getting here SATURDAY MORNING and then SLEEPING all DAY to catch up on driving all NIGHT and then it'll be Sunday and we'll drive home. DUMB. So while I stared at the ceiling, in a bed that isn't even an INKLING as comfy as MY bed, listening to the upstairs occupants that, according to my dad, rearrange their furniture all night long, I was annoyed. JUST irritable- like I get for no apparent reason MONTHLY. And the OTHER thing- I dreaded the ride home in the Purple Panther. In case you haven't heard, we got the air fixed. It worked for a GRAND total of THREE days. THEN we took it back to the place that was SUPPOSED to have fixed it. BY THE WAY, people who just paid 200 bucks for us to fix your air, you need a new evaporator coil... just a $1,000 fix. (OR a TWO day job of Starling doing it HIMSELF! Remember we only PAID $1500 bucks for the dang van)! The thought of riding FOUR hours in the JULY heat with two babies in the backseat was thrilling. ESPECIALLY when I could have ridden in a NICE COLD van on THURSDAY. For those of you who Don't know the history of the GLORIOUS history of the Purple Panther, it's beautiful appearance can be summed up by Jennifer Trussel's comment to Starling. When asked by Starling, "We got this van for $1500... you think its a good deal?" Jennifer glared at Starling like a cow looks at an on-coming train as she stated, "You got ripped off." I do like to give the Purple Panther credit for rescuing us in our time of need. In the Panthers defense, it got us home after having to leave our Altima in NC in the beginning of all of this mess. And THAT is why we are going to sell it to another poor family instead of dropping off a cliff somewhere.

Let us take a moment of silence for the Purple Panther. I've written a few thank you notes to the Purple Panther.(Jimmy Fallon music) Thank you, Purple Panther, for teaching me to be humble while my friends in Mercedes stare me down at red lights wondering why my windows are down in 1,010 degree heat... Thank you, Purple Panther, for teaching me how to sport the sexy Wind Blown look after taking 2 hours to straighten my hair... Thank you, Purple Panther, for reducing my pride to negative three as my friends comment "poor things" as they watch me remove my sweat drenched children from the backseat having gone a mere 5 miles down the road... Thank you, Purple Panther, for teaching me to have military-like stealth skills hiding in parking lots hoping no one sees me getting out or in... Thank you, for making me a paranoid FREAK as I could not automatically lock my doors if a mass murderer decided to hop in next to me... Thank you, for teaching me patience when I would have to crank you six times to get you to start. I may have been too prideful to drive certain vehicles in my past... but because of you, Purple Panther, I would drive a Log Truck if it had air conditioning. Having learned my lesson on humility, my Altima is to me a Lamborghini.

But anyway, I would call Starling periodically to make sure he wasn't hugging a tree somewhere and he'd NEVER answer. THEN he'd call me BACK WAY LATER and I'd be MAD yet AGAIN that he couldn't even TALK to me while he was locked in a BORING van driving ALL night. He said his phone was going dead. SERIOUSLY? Why didn't you CHARGE it while you were SLEEPING??

NEEDLESS to say, I finally fell asleep around FOUR and was in NO hurry to answer the knock on the door at SIX Saturday morning. I stumbled to the door flopping into the wall TWICE before I could get my body to stand upright, opened the door, and was back in bed under the covers before Starling even sat his stuff down. (Just a DELIGHTFUL greeting and a wonderful person I am to have as a wife). Starling crawled in next to me and muttered, "Don't rush to give me a hug or anything." I may have acknowledged that comment with a snort, but I was already dreaming again so I can't be sure.

When I woke to Brighton's cooing and Brooklyn's giggles, I was in a MUCH better mood! (Not that worse was really an OPTION). Starling got his well deserved hug and a smooch and a pat on the head. Starling asked if I'd like to take a walk. "OH YES!" exclaimed Brooklyn as she raced to the stroller. SOOO my mom, who stayed behind with us while everyone else left, the kids, and Starling and I headed on our walk through Destin. GORGEOUS. Everything here is beautiful. I yawned while Starling and my mom giddily talked about the palm trees and tried to decipher the different types. Starling has been researching palm trees because he's decided they are his tree of landscape choice. I like palm trees. I'd rather chew on a razor blade then spend any time researching a palm tree. HENCE the difference between my smart and informed husband and his flighty oblivious WIFE.

We pretended that we could have an OPINION about the beach houses. OH- THAT is the one I want! I like the color of the stucco and how it contrasts with the clay roof. And the rod iron decor! THAT is lovely. And then we'd turn our noses up at another 4 million dollar home. Oh WHAT WERE they THINKING painting it THAT color? (Knowing good and well if we could get it in our price range we'd be kissing the repulsive color all the while BEAMING to own such a fancy house). Even the sidewalks are pretty. Pretty concrete.

When I thought Brooklyn was going to slide off Starling's shoulders from all the slippery sweat, I suggested we turn back. We tried a round fruit off one of the palm trees. Starling said it was a Date. WELL... I see why its called that. At first taste, it is sweet and delicious. But the AFTER taste... Makes a girl want to VOMIT. Like buttered popcorn dipped in sweaty armpit. Luckily starling had some jolly ranchers in his pocket that we used to mask the taste. (That's my Eagle scout! Way to be prepared!)

When we got back to the apartment Starling started asking me MORE about my preference of palm trees. He said, "Come look at this palm over here. You see how its more of a pineapple bottom? Do you like that or more of a tree like stem?" I tried not to yell- I DON'T CARE about PALM TREES. I just want them PLANTED and I'll be happy. I smiled and said, "Whatever YOU think, dear." Then Starling said, "Huh... that car looks just like yours." I glanced into the parking lot. A cute little white Altima. "Yep. Sure does." As does probably half of Hattiesburg's cars. I turned to walk away and Starling started circling the car. "Man... this one is Just like it." Uh huh. BIG deal. My neighbor has one JUST like it. About two thirds of the Wal MART parking lot has ones JUST like it. Its NOT a rare find. Starling was acting WEIRD. I humored him and nodded my head while I joined him in googling over this random Altima. Wait. "THAT IS MY CAR! IS THAT MY CAR!!? YOU GOT MY CAR BACK?! HOW?! WHEN?!"

WELL. So the reason Starling was RUSHED when talking to me and his PHONE kept being DEAD is because his phone was on ROAMING and that drains a battery. APPARENTLY Starling bought a van in Philly. Bid on it on EBAY. (Yeah. The man is slow in the lesson learning department. BUT this one DOES have a clean title! And air conditioning. And power locks and windows. THAT is ALL I care about). He hopped on a plane, catching a random RIDE with our friends Brian and Stacey who just HAPPENED to be catching a flight from the same airport at the same time. He had his friend Bumpy (a chic he hiked the Appalachian Trail with) and her husband meet up with him and he went to their house with the van. I kept calling during their dinner (while they were trying to play catch up after TEN years of separation), and Starling kept feeding me some line about finishing up an offer on a house for one of his clients and then calling me back. So he took a three hour nap at their place then started the 19 hour drive home. WELL, our CAR- the ALTIMA- was STILL in North Carolina where the dealership, that was SUPPOSED to be HELPING us with our title issue, had stopped returning Starling's calls. Starling DROVE to the dealership and confronted them. (He'd given them FAIR warning! All they had to do was PROCESS some paperwork and he couldn't get them on the phone! He called EVERYDAY for THREE WEEKS. So... he told them if he didn't hear from them in the next two days he was flying up there to handle their idiodicy in person. Of course he said it nicely). The lady, Michelle, that was supposed to be handling the case, had ALL the paperwork on her desk in an envelope that had been sitting there for THREE weeks. STILL not processed. Starling threw a refined and dignified FIT, unlike one I would throw... (I'd be biting ankles and throwing punches). AND, he listed their inadequacies very nicely. "You failed to return ANY of my calls for the last three weeks robbing me of peace of mind. You lost my key with the keyless entry. You ran my battery down. I had to make a SPECIAL trip up here 13 HOURS away from MS, my THIRD trip, just to TALK to you! And you want to charge me $500 for transaction fees?" He then named names of ALL the people he'd left messages for. And then they hadn't even TURNED in the paperwork? Faced with Starling in PERSON, suddenly they were eager to assist and OH so apologetic.

Starling got everything finalized while he was there and we should receive our title in the mail in 2 to 3 weeks. Starling left the VAN in North Carolina and drove down my car. (He thought I'd be happier to see it than a van. He was RIGHT!!) So NOW we have to go get the van. He'll probably just fly up there and get it instead of us trying to make more blunderful memories out of a vacation. I didn't realize HOW long I've been without my car! I don't think Starling can count this as an anniversary gift since it counted as my birthday present last September... but maybe the van can. Anyway- ASK me HOW HAPPY I AM! Let's just say SOMEBODY isn't getting griped at this weekend. And, not to go all PG13 on ya, but he got his reward and we'll pray that breastfeeding works as good for birth control with Brighton as it did with Brooklyn.

Starling has a habit of sneaking off for glorious surprises. And I have a habit of being CLUELESS. He is a really good liar. Hmm.. Our engagement. "What are you doing?" "I'm sitting in biology." What was he really doing? Driving three straight days from Utah with the intent to marry is ex-girlfriend. (ME. I was the ex-girlfriend. Yes we were broken up when we got engaged). Every birthday party I've ever had... "I just need to stop by so-and-so's for a minute." SUrPRISE! And of course my birthday car... "We're going to a Chic Fil A opening. Bummer. We missed it. We're going to take a shuttle up into the mountains." Okay... I don't see mountains but SURE... I believe you. Oh the shuttle is your BIRTHDAY present- a white Altima like you wanted! And then this little escapade! Nuts. I hope he never meets a woman that is nice to him. If Starling decided to have an affair I'd be that clueless little wife that has no idea. I'd be mean and pissed over all the excuses for being away... but clueless.