I keep being told "opinions" about certain "types" of children.

"Well, Wendi. Some kids are just BeYOND help."

"Some kids are just bad. They just come into the world that way and there ain't a dang thang you can do to change them."

OKAY EVERYONE! STORYTIME!!!

Let me tell you about a little girl.

She was born to good decent middle class parents. She had a two parent home where there was lots of love. She had loving grandparents and cousins and a very supportive church family.

Despite all of these lovely things, that little girl was a TYRANT for her parents. She threw food at people in restaurants.  She threw tantrums in public; LOOOONG tantrums. Tantrums that lasted for HOURS. In fact, she was so disruptive and ornery that her parents stopped taking her into public. When she would throw tantrums at night, for any given reason for not getting her way, her parents would literally take "shifts" with her to keep from physically abusing her. They tried time-outs, groundings, beatings, etc. The child was just born a very opinionated and intense female. She was stubborn, obstinate, and down right HARD HEADED.

Whew. Sounds like a kid you would DEFINITELY NOT want to raise, right? (Or you might be saying, "Crap. She's calling out my kid on her stupid blog"). You would especially want to steer clear of this insane child if she wasn't even your biological kid!

If I talked to some of these WISE and ALL KNOWING self-educated psychiatrists (not that I'm knocking self-education... I'm all about getting EDUCATED), so maybe just self-affirmed psychiatrists; they would tell you with NO hesitation that all that girl needed was a butt whooping and an exorcism.

Well, she definitely got some butt whoopings; I don't think her parents tried the exorcism...

Where is that kid today? Oh surely she is in jail or prostituting in some drug ring. Just an absolute menace to society. Probably growing pot plants under her neighbors porch and stealing from the church collection plate. Can't fix kids like that.

WARNING: The Mama Bear is about to come out in me.

Well, you blessedly intelligent people, THAT girl is actually doing JUST PEACHY, thanks very much.

Because that child is ME.

AND HERE IS MY THEORY ON CHILDREN and how you FIX them.

I am in constant search of how I can improve my parenting, namely for the learning of my children. I've decided that there are (many but I'll focus on) three important, even imperative lessons a child must learn for there to be any success or happiness in a child's future..

Those three things are #1: a loving relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  #2: Good Work Ethic. #3: Agency

How did I derive at such an odd list? Well, through nights of contemplation, innumerable prayers, and trial and error. (AND just to prove wrong the people that daily PISS me off telling me MY business).

Before a child can have a healthy relationship with anyone regarding the feelings of love towards another, a child must first be loved. While it may be controversial amongst the impeding secular societal views becoming the accepted school of thought, I say without apology and with deep conviction that to truly know love for oneself, one must discover the unconditional love offered by a Father in Heaven and a Savior, Jesus Christ. No parent or guardian's love can replace that love. A parent's love, though most honorably given is often wavering or conditional, at least seemingly so from the viewpoint of a child.  Parental mistakes will be made as parents are human. But to truly understand the love offered by a Father that knows you better than you (or your parents) know you, is inspirational. Knowing that no matter where you find yourself physically or emotionally, you can hit your knees in prayer, is essential for emotional security. Especially those children that haven't always had the most dependable adults in their lives. No matter what humans have failed them in the past, children need to know that there is a constant, unchanging, forgiving, loving, and encouraging Father in Heaven that is constantly watchful. A Father that LISTENS, that ANSWERS prayers, that actually DOES know the ENTIRE story. (Even though he/she has turned into a teenager and that seems impossible).

 I attribute all behavioral and emotional improvements of my children and MYSELF on nightly scripture study centered around this very basic, infinite truth. "I am a Child of God." It is evident in the very essence that surrounds our family as we discuss our daily struggles and improvements. While change is most noticeable in my foster children, because such a drastic change can be seen, it is empowering to all of us. We never, no matter how old or content we become, lose the need to feel our Father and Savior's love for us, nor do we lose the need for Christ's atonement in our lives. The sooner kids experience the feelings of the Holy Ghost, the better for ALL involved.  (I can attest to that from a child's standpoint and second that notion from a parent's standpoint).

Secondly, children of all ages need to be taught good work ethic. They need and desire high expectations to be set upon them. Without expectations, what level of success will they ever reach? None. They will always stay well within their own comfort zone. If they are required and encouraged to do tasks taxing to their natural ability, they  will likely grow and find great joy and inner confidence in their achievements.

At what age do you start giving children expectations? IMMEDIATELY. My one year old is expected to help clean up toys. Can I send him to his room to clean it? Of course not. But I can go to his room and say, "Okay. Time to put all of our cars back into the basket!" And I clap and give high fives. My one year old now knows the drill and he can do it. Now that "I know he can do it" it is an EXPECTATION. Saying please and thank you. Expectations.

When I envision my household in a perfect state, I imagine it neat and tidy. And that's the only place my perfectly clean house exists. In my imagination. I have 6 kids under age 7. (To be exact a 7,6,5,4,3,and 1 year old). How neat and tidy do you think my house is? Well, it has the possibility and likelihood of being a revolting  disaster  100% of the time.  But thanks to my dedication of teaching my children about their Savior and providing them opportunities to develop good work ethic, my house gets completely cleaned at least once a day. (Except Sundays. Which is why no one is EVER invited to my house on Monday morning. It looks, feels, and smells like a high school boys' gym locker). And even though the clean house is a fleeting accomplishment, it is an accomplishment for which I take great pride. Mostly because I see the success and self esteem emanating from my children when they are given a difficult task, persevere to the end, and accomplish it. No matter the agony and drudgery of the task, when my children complete the job  and get Mom's seal of approval, there are beaming eyes and high held heads. 

 Young children appreciate consistent variety. Confused?

I have created a chore chart. This chore chart holds ten jobs for which five children are to accomplish daily. (My 1 year old hasn't quite made the chart). The children know that after breakfast they will be assigned two chores. But, to keep away the monotony and to give them opportunities to learn various aspects of cleaning, chores are rotated daily.

After breakfast I announce the chores. All children from age 3 yrs to 7 yrs set off to complete their missions.

When we first implemented this regiment of daily chores, you can imagine the balk of dismay from all 5 of my precious darlings. Each task was outrageously too difficult and each child was certain he could never accomplish the Mount Everest I'd asked him to climb.

Evoking feelings of dread and insecurity are never helpful in raising a responsible child. In fact, throwing a child into a task where expectations are unclear does far more harm than good.

So the first full week of chore implementation, I gave cleaning training to all the children. We learned the proper way to tidy a bedroom and make a bed. As the children became confident in those tasks we added new lessons. We learned how to clean a toilet, (Yes. EVEN my 3 year old), how to clean a bath tub, how to sweep, and how to mop. I taught them how to rinse dishes, how to wipe counters, and how to dust. So basically, my job as a mother, is to teach my children everything I know, and MORE. (When in doubt I Google about).

There is zero excuse for ignorance in today's society. If you don't know how to do something, it is one YouTube video away. (Seriously. I've awarded my husband a Doctorate in YouTube education and am speedily working to get mine). ..

( Yes, Starling. I know you are wondering why I cook like crap if recipes and YouTube videos are a "click away." I plead the - I HATE cooking so much IT is even PAINFUL to WATCH- card. BUT do not excuse myself, merely choose cooking as my one acceptable FAIL).

Do the children do each job perfectly? Not at first. Do they clean fast? No. Absolutely not. (It takes ten times as long as it would take me.

BUT. With gentle prompting from a cheer leading mom, by the time I say, "Yay! You did a fantastic job and you are DONE!" the job is pretty dang near perfect. And I ALWAYS have them examine their work and relish in their accomplishment.

You want to talk about a child's entire demeanor changing? Help them discover work ethic. My boys especially, have AMAZED me with how much pride they now take in their tasks. When they first came to my house it was, "I can't." "I don't know how." "That's too hard." "That'll take too long."

Now they are empowered. And the great thing about accomplishments are they are permanent reminders of success. When one of my babies say, "Oh, I can't do that." I gently and enthusiastically remind them, "REMEMBER when you said you could NOT clean your ENTIRE room by yourself? You thought it was WAAAY too hard? What happened when you tried?"

A grin crawls across the face of my little one and he'll say, "I did it! And I got it REEEEAL clean!!"

The third thing kids must be given is agency to choose. That's right. Let your children know from a young age that they ALWAYS have a choice to do or not to do. AND let them know that a consequence will ALWAYS be associated with choice.

"You can choose to give the toy back nicely and say you are sorry OR you can choose to sit in time out for 5 minutes. I want you to think about what choice you want to make. I'm going to count to three and I'll know what decision you have made. One... two..."

And sometimes they make the WRONG choice at which time kids get to experience the BAD consequence. It's good for them.

Children NEED to know that they are responsible for their actions. They are not ACTED upon.

"But he MADE me MAD!"

"HE STARTED IT!"

"Okay. Someone made a poor choice. He will have to suffer the BAD consequence. But he can't MAKE you hit them, or MAKE you scream in his face. That is YOUR choice."

I honestly, and whole heartedly believe that when implemented consistently and lovingly THESE things will CHANGE a child. It is not a parent's job to FORCE and bark at children to behave and BE a certain way. It is a parent's responsibility to TEACH a child correct principles and mirror Christ-like attributes so that a child will CHOOSE to behave and BE the Child of God he or she is meant to be (EVEN when Mom or Dad isn't around). That is the ONLY way a child will reach his or her full potential.

People don't change people. Christ changes people.

So crazy judgmental people, do me a favor and PRAY for me instead of discouraging me.

And all the good hearted parents and foster parents out there, GIVE yourself a BREAK! If your child is acting berserk-o... STICK to the basics and let GOD do the rest. Your child has to CHOOSE to change and all you can do is mirror correct behaviors and LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! I've yet to have a child not improve.

Maybe I relate to foster kids, kids with maladaptive behaviors, etc. so well because I know how I WAS, and I know how far God brought me when I ASKED Him to. Am I CURED of all my struggles and trials. HECK NO! If my mood swings were physically visible, I could make some dang good money on the ROLLIN-IST coaster in the big USA.  I will always battle with my physical and mental ailments. Yeah? Don't we all?

So do I think any kid is BEYOND hope? Nope. A child (and that goes for the 1 to 99 year olds) can change if he CHOOSES to do so. And I believe with a solid foundation of Christ's love, good work ethic, and agency WE will be well on our way.