The Snake Encounter

Six kids. Five doors in my house leading to the outside. I often feel like I am trying to collect sand in a sifter. 

No matter HOW many times I collect them, one or two of them is ALWAYS slipping through the cracks. And, as you can imagine, it's difficult to accomplish more than a headache with all that riga-maroe.

However, nothing is impossible! I slept in Brookie's bed last night, since I came home from the gym at 11 p.m. and my bed was covered in a thick layer of KID.

I didn't wake up ALL night! It was TERRIFIC! I was woken up before the rooster had a chance to croak, but that's okay. I decided I would start the day out with a delicious breakfast.

I grabbed a loaf of bread. Never been opened. (I bought 6 loafs yesterday; HERE is why). I opened the loaf, used the ENTIRE loaf to make French Toast, scrambled a dozen eggs (and about two dozen nerves. Have you EVER attempted cooking with SIX starving children TOUCHING you at the same time?!?!?)

I FED the little piranhas. Not a MORSEL of toast left. NOT a dab of syrup or egg. They licked their plates clean. No I'm serious. I had to tell them to stop licking their plates because it was getting syrup in their hair.

Being a stay at home mom is very similar to coaching a foot ball team. You have to get those kids into shape, get them moving, make them run plays for you, ALL the while keeping them motivated. I drew out my game plan on the dry erase board in the kitchen.

"Huddle UP TEAM JOHNSON!!"

I did the quick count to six that I seem to being doing every 6 seconds to ensure all my children were indeed still INSIDE the house.

"'Brooklyn, dishes! Jimmy & Isaiah cabinets! Peyton and Bry Bathroom duty! Boeing? Balance on your head just like you are doing! WHEN everything is DONE, we make BROWNIES loaded with M&M's!!"

"YAAAAY!!!!!!!" (Total motivation).

"BREAK!"

Brooklyn ran up our water bill about $25. I mean she washed dishes.

The oldest boys finished the cabinets and I put them to dusting the living room. (Sooo only the bottom half of my house is dusted...).

Brighton and Peyton "cleaned" the tub. Which meant I put lemon scented pine saw on their rags and they played in the tub and bathroom. It didn't get all that clean but my bathroom smells better than it has in months.  

I vacuumed, did laundry, loaded the dishwasher with the rinsed dishes, etc.

During this fantastic escapade of keeping the children busy doing something that wasn't COUNTER PRODUCTIVE while I cleaned, I happened to look through the glass in my back door. And maybe shriek. And maybe do the jitter dance while dragging Starling to the window.

A nice sized SNAKE was slithering in the VERY spot I needed to get. It was AT LEAST three feet and those are words from STARLING's mouth. I thought he was five foot.

Luckily for me, well- really for the SNAKE, I JUST went on a home school field trip on Thursday. ON this trip to USM's Biological Sciences Learning Center, I learned ALL about MS native snakes. The venomous and non venomous.  WELL, one of the snakes we got to look at was a black speckled king snake.

"OH MY GOSH! ITS SO BIIIIG! It's so LOOONG! AHHH! Its MOVING!!!"

I yodeled for all of my children to come see. For the longest time I was lifting the kids UP to see through the glass at the top of the door. Then, in a stroke of GENIUS, I just OPENED the door.

"NOOOOOOO!!!" exploded Brooklyn as if I had just invited the snake to gobble up every last one of her family members.

Teaching moment. Teaching moment. I tried to act as calm as the herpetologist lady that showed us all the reptiles on our field trip. But let's face it. Herp lady HOLDS snakes and lets them crawl around on her bare skin without a) Peeing her pants. I on the other hand? AM TERRIFIED of snakes.

BUT, it was obviously a king snake. Its head wasn't triangle. And it seemed friendly enough. Which is why I was FREAKING out. The herp lady said, "Snakes are MORE scared of you than you are of it."

The snake did NOT look very scared. IN FACT, it was the OPPOSITE of scared. It didn't RUN. It didn't HIDE. With my live audience, I went into a full spell of acting.

"Does EVERYONE remember what kind of SNAKE this is? Some of you were brave (or crazy) enough to PET him on the field trip!"

"It's a KING SNAKE!" I told my VERY unresponsive, petrified audience.

"That's not a king snake." Starling said from behind us.

"Yes it is. I just saw it on Thursday."

"This is a GOOD snake!" I told the children in a sing song voice.

The snake, who was a full two steps below us and about four feet away from us gave a sniff with its forked tongue. I guess he liked my perfume (or un-showered body odor) and slithered to take a closer look.

An eruption of screaming. Some of it may have come from me; I'm not sure.

"Its non venomous! That means when it bites you, it'll hurt and make you bleed profusely, however, you will not die!"

"Ah.. it is a king snake. A speckled king snake." Apparently Starling believes the internet more than his WIFE.

It slithered to the bottom of the steps.

"AHHHHH!" High step. High step. 

"Who would like to pet the snake?"

"NOOOOOOOO, MOMMY! DON'T TOUCH IT!!!" Brooklyn was hyperventilating and holding Boeing in a death grip, pleading with as much desperation as when she begged me to wash the cleaner off Bry's hands so he wouldn't turn into a toad. (I may lie my children into submission. I'm a horrible person, I know). 

"Catch it Mommy! So we can pet it!" said the boys. (Not Brighton of course. He wouldn't even touch the SHEDDED skin that the science lady showed us).

"Catch it?" gulp. Well, the science lady made it seem so easy. She just scooped it right up.

"Hmmm... I don't know..."

About this time, the snake slithered UP the step and right across my foot!  I knocked the kids down like bowling pins, trying to escape as the snake came up INTO the house!

Brooklyn was barely making it from her perch on top of the couch. She looked like one of those fish out of the water with bulging eyes and wordless gasps. She was gurgling something along the lines of, "In... our... house...we're all... going to die...."

The boys were bouncing around like popcorn in the microwave and I was high stepping with a towel in my hand trying to catch the snake while Starling took a moment to take some footage on his cell phone.

I tried to resume my acting and catch the snake with honor and dignity. But the blamman thing MOVED every time I got near it. And it didn't seem to care in the SLIGHTEST that I was screaming like an un-oiled set of brakes. It just moseyed along, taking its time, checking me out.

For a second I thought it might be a friendly snake.

So, since Starling was videoing, and I was trying to calm down the children and demonstrate exactly how harmless the snake really was, I lifted my bare finger. I crouched down low. And.. I touched its tail.  

That thing whirled around so fast I almost bumped my head on the ceiling. Whew wee what a thrill! My heart jumped completely out my chest and my knees slammed together so hard, I think I chipped a cap. The snake decided it would go back outside. When the boys brought me some toy clampers, the snake decided I wasn't so fun to play with after all. I was trying to pick the snake up with the clampers but every time the snake moved, I screamed. I don't know WHY! It's a harmless rat eating snake! It's so strange! A doctor whacks your knee, your leg kicks out. A snake moves, you pee a little. Basic reflexes.

I was so relieved when the snake slithered under our slab! Besides the fact that there is space for a snake to slither under our slab. (We haven't started the remodel of the OUTSIDE of this house. ugh... a lot to do in such a short amount of time...).

But. I feel so EXCITED! For the first time IN MY LIFE, I saw a snake withOUT bursting into tears! AND I didn't have Starling shoot it or beat it to death with a hoe! And I didn't have to lay down for two days to recuperate from my "near death" experience. What liberation! I touched a frickin' WILD SNAKE!!! Probably shouldn't have done that. Not the brightest brainiac idea I've ever had. I keep feeling that creepy sensation on my finger and have to keep washing my hands. I'll definitely have nightmares. And I may have screamed and bolted halfway across the yard when I saw my water hose near my foot. Baby Steps. I named the snake "Dave." It seems less menacing that way.

And I think I have FINALLY gotten it through 5 little boys and one little girls thick HEADS why they HAVE to keep the DOORS CLOSED. (Escaping cold air- didn't work, but snakes coming in? Gets em' every time)!