I am always stuck on Chicken OR Egg? What came first? Hormones or crazy children?

You know those days where everything goes just right? The kids listen when you speak. You finish cleaning your house and look around at your accomplishments and smile. You look lovingly at your children and think, what did I do to deserve such angels?

Today was NOT one of those days! I know what it is. I woke up and it was COLD. I don’t like the cold during the winter, but I especially don’t like the cold during the summer! Now Mississippi needs to decide what season it’s representing because every SINGLE time I decide to pack up our winter stuff, FREEZE! Starling put a window unit in our bedroom since he likes us to wake up with frozen snot-sicles. It was the warmest room in our house this morning. Well, besides AJ’s room where he was running a heater. With the window open. WHATEVER. The men in my life make about as much sense as expensive wrapping paper.

We managed to get to the gym an hour late. But we got there, so that’s saying SOMETHING. I obviously haven’t recuperated from my sinus infection because my normal exercise routine almost put me in the ground. I was wheezing and hacking like an asthmatic swimming in a pool of pollen. I basically crawled to the showers. Starling hurried back home, because AJ’s social worker was waiting to do her second home visit. Starling said two of our storage unit renters were in our house when AJ’s social worker showed up. Which two? Oh about the shadiest looking characters on planet earth. They aren’t, of course. They are really nice people. The dude in question has already been deported once, and is back in Hattiesburg. (Says boo-coodles about our country’s border patrol). His white girlfriend, a beauty to say the least, was just waiving around her un-lit cigarette while trying to keep her clothes up. So that’s good. Nice impression of the company we keep. WHY can’t anyone just PUT their STUPID payment in the slot that says PAYMENTS!? Why do people feel that it would be better to show up UNannounced at my HOUSE?

Of course we were all starving by lunch time. Unfortunately, Boeing has blossomed into such a fatty I can no longer nurse him while cooking. I can barely nurse him standing up PERIOD. Brooklyn and Brighton forgot that I have more than one child. It’s all about “ME- I need- I need!!!” THANK GOODNESS for AJ who just hops right in and starts taking orders like a well trained waiter. By the time I had Boeing fed, AJ already had bologna sandwiches made for the kids and their chocolate milk poured. That did WONDERS for my nerves. With his help, I was able to get family fed and kitchen cleaned in less than a third of the time it normally takes me.

But, my nerves weren’t off the hook just yet. No, Brooklyn and Brighton seemed determined to give me a nervous breakdown. Brighton wanted a banana. I gave him a banana. I asked Brooklyn if she’d like one. No. Brighton wanted another one, the last one. I gave it to him. HOLD YOUR FIRE, Brooklyn is having a conniption! She needed that banana. Brighton eats half the banana and gives it back to me. (Throwing the peeling on the freshly mopped kitchen floor). I give the half banana to the still distraught Brooklyn. THE SKY IS FALLING, Brighton needs his banana back! He wasn’t done after all! HOW about PEANUT BUTTER?? Oh yes. Peanut butter saves the day. Each kid gets a spoonful to lick on. Clean up banana peel off floor.

“MOOOOM! Bry won’t SHARE!?!” Oh. Dear. Brighton has scaled the cabinets and gotten the ENTIRE jar of peanut butter. His whole ARM is stuffed in the container all the while running madly from his sister who is desperately trying to get a jab in with her spoon.

Extract peanut butter from Brighton. Would have been easier to use a saw and remove the entire arm. Bathe screaming, flailing Brighton in sink while Brooklyn bounces like a ping pong ball at my side yelling, “But I’m not done! But I didn’t take it! But I need some more!”

Boeing starts crying. He wants to sit UP. Not kind of up. Back completely straight UP. And he wants to STAND. Too bad he is 3 months old and can’t do either on his own. AJ spends a lot of time holding Boeing upright and letting him put weight on his legs. He LOVES it. And now thinks he can demand the upright position anytime his eyes are OPEN. So AJ deals with him even though he is trying to help Starling work.

“Kitchen CLOSED! Everybody go PLAY!” But no one wants to play. Lunch and snack and drink have left two little kids completely famished. They could collapse from starvation at any minute. Heartless mother says, “GET. OUT. NOW.” I walk away from two tantrums to take Boeing.

“MOOOOOM!!!!!! Bry is TAKING that brown HORSE from me!!” I considered breaking the brown horse’s legs off and yelling, “YOU ARE NEXT!” but, I refrained. I grabbed Brighton, dropped the horse onto Brooklyn, told AJ, “Let’s go job hunting!” and ESCAPED.

AJ got some job info from town and we returned home. He started filling out a job application while I tried to unwind my nerves and be patient. Before I finished unwinding them, Brooklyn and Brighton started fighting over my phone. “Bry took your phone and didn’t ask PLEASE!!! And can I have your phone PLEASE?” To which Brighton ran over Brooklyn like a bulldozer and yelled, “Pweeze!”

“Brighton just runned all over me and jumped on my hair! And I asked first!”

“MINE! PERST!!!”

I sat blinking at record speed, wondering if the throbbing in my temples was induced from agitation or if I should take a Tylenol. I checked out my blue foot where Brooklyn dropped a can of apples. Quite a bruise.  

While Brighton was waiting on the verdict, he thought it a nice idea to dump his bag of cereal in the carpet and stomp it. The carpet I JUST vacuumed last night! I inwardly, and perhaps a little outwardly, SCREAMED. Both kids heads popped up and I sprang into action yanking my phone from sticky fingers, pointing to Barbies, kicking through cars, “CLEAN. It. ALL. UP. NOW!”

“But- but-but-“

I didn’t even have to say anything. I guess they smelled the smoke from the fire in my eyes.

“Yes ma’am!” And Brooklyn got to work. I turned to Brighton.

He grudgingly rubbed his hand across the smashed cereal. I counted to three, spanked him, and plopped him in time-out. I got him out and he picked up the cereal like he had a rabid dog snipping at his heals.

Starling and AJ left for Petal to get some four-wheelers to work on.

I got out Brooklyn’s school box so I could help her with her reading. While she sounded out every “C-A-T” word in the story I wrote her (which has like 10 ‘CAT’s that she always starts with s-s-s and I have to say WHAT does C say? For her to remember it says CU), Brighton dumped the entire box of letters, ripped open all four sets of flashcards, turned the deck of UNO cards into 60 card pick up (times 5). All in the matter of 3 minutes. IF THAT.

I don’t know if he is possessed by some creature of chaos or has no self control, but buddy as soon as he saw me looking at him, he got to picking up the mess he made with both arms. After Brooklyn read the story to me three times, which is too painful for words, I told her it was nap time. Brighton and Brooklyn actually seemed RELIEVED. And so I am going to hope a nap cures all of our issues and they will wake up happy and my nerves will have rejuvenated themselves.

I think I have answered my question “hormones or crazy children.” Hormones. Because, after reading this blog, I have to say this is a pretty normal day. And a relatively MILD day for my children.