Squishy, who has decided to REBRAND herself BELIZE (which yes, is her birth given name and I SUPPOSE, her right) announced, rather nonchalantly, might I add, "Ummm, there's a snake in our house. A real one."
No flare. No drama. From the SAME child that screams shrill enough to break glass when she sees a roach.
SOOO. No judgement towards us when we all rolled our eyes and continued our conversation.
BUT, trying to be a good sport, as I saw that Squishy was definitely awaiting a reaction, I leaned over the side of my bed, to humor whatever prank attempt she had conjured.
And sure enough, there lay a nice long, juicy snake.
Realistic looking, I thought, still not disturbed.
Then it moved.
AND BOY DID THE EXCITEMENT ENSUE!
As Squishy Belize sat with her patented "I told you so" expression plastered on her face, the snake slithered behind a tote full of folded laundry (that I will probably never live to see put away).
"Move that tote, Starling!! The snake went behind it!" I squealed.
"It's a king snake!" yelled Boeing.
"It IS?! Oh, good! THAT's AMAZING! OH LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS!" Those would be words coming out of my mouth. I'm not sure what was happening in my brain at that moment. I was so relieved it wasn't a copper head, I guess I forgave the fact that he was chilling IN MY BEDROOM?
"Catch him, Boe!" I chided the self-proclaimed reptile expert.
His bravery came out in full force, "NO! He's going to bite me!"
Starling chimed in with priorities. "Watch where he goes. That's where the water's coming in." (How redneck ARE WE)?!
"Fine! I'll catch him," I grumbled, "just move everything out of dad's closet."
"No-o-oo," sang Boeing. "Not haa-ppening." (Literally a sing song voice like exhibited in the movie Trolls).
"Then let's just get him tomorrow. It's 11 p.m."
You would have thought I'd just told the children we were opening an indoor snake farm.
The bulging of the eyes. The horror stricken expressions.
"Tomorrow?? What if he climbs in your BED while we are sleeping???"
Light bulb moment.
"You are right. He probably will. Better if you all sleep in your own beds tonight. And take the dogs. Don't want them scaring the snake and making him bite."
"That snake has to get out tonight," Boeing declared, vehemently.
"Yeah!" Belize agreed. "It can EASILY eat our kittens! Remember that snake that fell out of the tree in front of our trampoline and ate that GIANT squirrel?!" (It's on our vlog - WATCH it: Mama Drama Diaries - Death By Snake https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncbhvV-2GOw)
"Our kittens are SMALLER than that squirrel and we don't know when that king snake is going to want to eat a little snack!"
"Agree. You better take the cats with you, too. Just go on. Close my door so the snake can't get out," I concluded.
"MO-OM," Boeing argued. "If there is one... there are probably MORE. Who knows how many snakes are in our HOUSE??"
"We'll figure it out tomorrow. Turn off the lights."
"FINE!" Belize's nostrils flared as she scooped up Opi, her little black kitten. "I'm sleeping with DAD in MY BED!"
It was only in that moment that I realized Starling had left the scene and was snoring soundly in another room. SOME protector. I looked to my right and Bali had also passed out.
"Mom, we have to get out of here. I'm going to be having nightmares non stop about snakes coming out of dad's closet!!" Boeing finally fell asleep trying to convince me to leave for safety.
But I couldn't sleep. Not because of the snake. Because I'd stripped my bed and Lysol'ed the heck out of it because of the hellacious stomach bug that plagued us for a week. Between the fumes and the escaping feathers from the down comforter NOT secured back into it's duvet, it was impossible to get comfortable.
So I finally sighed and left my room. I climbed into Bali's top bunk, which WOE- surprisingly comfortable once I wedged myself between sixty stuffed animals. Then Bali trotted in. Then the dogs. Of course the cats were already cozied up on top of Starling. (Which he loves so incredibly much).
And the irony. Boeing- poor sweet Boeing- slept ALL ALONE in my room with the snake.
And no. I haven't gotten around to locating the snake. My friends think I'm a little too blasé about the whole thing. But really. In my world?? What's ONE more critter??
